The Warren Report

Guest Author Uncategorized

Today’s Guest Poster is our very own Puffy the Magic Dragon. It is – I hope – the start of a new series. Charge your glasses, fellow Pubsters, as we embark on a voyage of discovery!

(Image Credit: Watership-Down-Under)

Tithy snuggled down in his dark, cosy, clean-earth-scented bunk-room in the Great Southern Warren, twitching his rabbit ears for sounds of returning bunnies. He knew they had gone for a forage, looking for new patches of sweet plants to eat. Tithy stayed behind, resting with a headache. Thinking of eagles, and Willie, gave him migraines.

Tithy sighed loudly. It was hard being Top Rabbit. It was easier before he won the Big Count last season. Now everyone wanted everything sorted. They chattered throughout the night about how they needed new tunnels or how they did not like the new roster for tunnelling. Then there was Jinny who wanted to dig a new warren wing all for herself, even if it meant moving some of the Elders.

The kitchen staff kept complaining that the food supply was getting lower. But the young rabbits were too busy playing hide-and-seek because no-one was teaching them how to find the best food. All the older folk were not happy about doing daily food forages when the young ones were not learning anything, and they all expected him to fix it.

Tithy called for Mellie. She kindly shifted the cold compress between his ears, and said, ‘Tithy, my dear, you cannot stay here. Look at your stick-board. You have a visit to the hospital wing this afternoon, a session in the kitten nursery, and you are opening the new gym tomorrow morning. Remember your words, “A fit rabbit is a happy rabbit”.’

‘Yeah, yeah,’

Mellie boxed Tithy’s ears. ‘Are you listening to me? GET UP.’

‘OK, OK. But when do I get a holiday?’

‘You had one last month, remember – you spent a week, well two days actually, with the Elders on level five.’

‘I said holiday. Not work. If I claim travel carrots for it, it is not a holiday. We agreed on that in parley time.’

Mellie kicked Tithy right on his white tail. When he bounced back off the wall, he gave in, and whimpered, ‘I am up already, see. Where is everyone?’

‘Well, Slotto is waterboarding er bathing those rabbits who came down to the door of the warren saying they are running from a brushfire.’

Tithy replied, with a grimace, ‘They did smell of smoke but that could be a screen. Ha ha, Mellie. Smoke-screen. I made a joke. Smoke. Screen. Smoke-screen.’

She gave Tithy an indulgent smile. ‘Yes, dear.’

Meanwhile, out In The Bush, the foraging party came across some succulent wild melon plants. The green vines, huge leaves, and fat yellow melons nestling on the bank of the quiet creek were magnificent. They saw no less than ten melons, each the size of a rabbit’s hind leg.

The arguing started immediately. ‘Let’s chew off this one at the base and take it all back to the kitchen. Everyone will be thrilled. We will get a fern crown for sure,’ said Histo-Purr in his squeaky voice. His vocal cords had never quite grown up.

‘Don’t be a dunce, just take those nice ripe melons, they will make fantastic melon sauce to have with our mushroom bake. And when the next melon ripens we can get more. We can have melons all Warm Season!’ rejoiced Willie.

‘Aw, not you again, you always rabbit on so. Stopping us from our fun. We don’t need more later, there is always another plant. And don’t start on that grassfire nonsense. Three of our wise ones said it will never happen. We are listening to them!’ yelled Hoek as he pulled up the plant. ‘Come on guys, er and girlies, grab a vine and help me carry it home.’

(Image Credit: An American in Australia)

Tithy met them at the tunnel door. He waved a eucalyptus leaf back and forth in their honour, and led the foraging party down the tunnel to the parley room. All the rabbits were waiting. Top Rabbit Tithy proclaimed a holiday. (Except for the cleaners. And the female rabbits. Of course.)

‘See, I told you I had it all worked out. And look at our brave Forage Rabbits. They deserve a fern crown, and shall have one!’ (‘Except for Willie,’ he whispered to Mellie.)

Laura shouted very loudly, ‘But what about the smokey rabbits? That is three this week and two the week before. They say they had to hop fast from their warren as smoke was all over the place. They say it is getting hotter and windier on the plains and no grass is growing.’

Kindo spoke softly, ‘We should bring the smokey rabbits in here, give them some green tea and ask what happened. We need to know what might happen to our own warren.’

Morin jumped up. ‘This is a great warren, a safe warren. We have a great leader, our Tithy. Since he took over from Scarlet, you can see how much safer it is. We do not have to move. We have food and the dingos are far away. Nothing is going to happen to OUR home. These smokeys, they say there is no food in their plain. So they are coming here for OUR food, soon there will be enough plains rabbits to take over and throw us out. And those stories of smoke, they are lies, We all know plains rabbits are sneaks.’

Orda chimed in. ‘Yes, Laura and Morin are right. We must stop the plains rabbits. Drive them away. And anyone who does not want to help can get out!’

Not all the rabbits thumped in agreement but the ones who did thumped very loudly. The wet rabbits in the cells could feel it and wondered where the common rabbit-code had gone to in this strange warren.

Tithy raised his hand. ‘Now, now. Let me and my mini-stares think on the best thing to do. Just trust me.’ More enthusiastic thumping followed this proclamation. It went on and on because no-one wanted to be seen to be the first to stop. In the end, Mellie gave a throat slitting gesture and silence immediately prevailed.

Tithy, his day’s work done, settled in his bunk room to scratch out a speech to give at the kitten nursery. The smokey plains rabbits dripped water from their fur, way down in level 25, the one with the thickest walls.

The rabbit-brethren gathered for Melon Soup, and in the High Dining Room, the Top Rabbit and his Mini-Stares dined on sauté melon chunks and roasted melon root.

In a private tunnel, Willie and his followers met to plan.

‘The next Big Count is not for another six moon rises. This warren could fall in soon. Really collapse. No one is repairing the walls properly any more, there are leaks in the right quadrant and the roof is getting soft. Our young ones are not being taught how to burrow safely and no-one is looking after the old rabbits. And meanwhile Tithy just plays games and writes speeches. Willie has to win the next Big Count,’ said Tani-Ash. She was a wise rabbit.

Willie stroked the ground with his foot, and smiled his usual calm smile.

‘Just remember that song, my friends. Run Tithy, run.’

(Image Credit: Animalzfun)

396 thoughts on “The Warren Report”

  2. Please tell me nobody is taking the bit about the Nazis going under the radar seriously. It’s a joke. Even Abbott isn’t quite that stupid.

  5. Hint: “comedy”

    “http://www.sbs.com.au/comedy/article/2015/09/03/prime-minister-urges-isis-become-subtle-and-humble-nazis”

  9. Abbott’s dad never left Australia during the war. Too young for most of it, in the RAAF reserves for the rest. Grand-dad Abbott couldn’t bear the thought of fighting off the Nazis so he brought his family here. Cowardice is bred into the lot of them.

    I keep saying this – Abbott grandparents arrived here just as our first troops were leaving to fight in Europe. You have to wonder if the ships crossed paths.

  11. No, Handy, your beliefs are not off limits

    The Liberal Party’s star candidate in the Canning byelection, Andrew Hastie, has ruled out a discussion of his religious beliefs while campaigning with former prime minister John Howard.

    In a forthright statement at the start of a campaign appearance, the former SAS captain hinted that questions of his theology were being pushed by his political opponents.

    Mr Hastie’s father is a Presbyterian minister who it is understood believes in creationism.

    Asked about his own beliefs and the possibility he shared his father’s creationist views Mr Hastie declared it was off limits.

    http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/liberal-candidate-andrew-hastie-rules-out-discussion-of-his-religious-beliefs-20150903-gjenh0.html

    Fairfax has the cricket bats out.

  14. You have to admit though, it’s getting more and more difficult to sort the satire from the real quotes when it comes to Abbott. The mere fact that we can imagine Abbott saying things like ‘low key invasion of Europe’ and ‘not about pomp and ceremony’ points to Abbott being a complete laughing stock.

    His initial quotes comparing IS with Nazi Germany were outrageous. No national leader should be saying anything of the sort. Once he starts on that, anything’s possible really.

  15. Aguirre,

    Because of data collecting, I was obliged to maintain media silence from 7:30am until I heard the 5:00pm bulletin, which had abbott describing Mr Shorten as xenophobic and full of racist lies.

    My instant thought: Methinks this abbott doth project too much.

  18. I need to whinge.

    Why is it mechanics and auto electricians never listen to women?

    Two months ago my granny car (1999 Corolla) had a flat battery. I suspected a failing alternator because the battery light had, just once, flicked on and off while I was driving. I’ve seen that before, I know what it means. Trouble and expensive electrical repairs. . I rang my favourite auto electrician, they sent a nice young man around to check things out. He decided the alternator was fine and replaced the battery. A week later the granny car went to the local Toyota dealers for a rego inspection and general overhaul. I mentioned my fears about the alternator. They said it was unlikely to be a problem. I said the windscreen wipers had suddenly gone slow, around the time the battery light started flicking on and off. They replaced the wiper blades (needed doing) and the split fan belt on the alternator (I told them it was split) and said everything was fine.

    Today, after a lot of short trips around town the battery light started with the flickering on and off again. Now I have to take my poor, sick little car back to the auto electrician and convince them I know what the problem is. They will most likely tell me the alternator is fine. I know it isn’t.

    How do I know? Because this is the fourth car I have had with this problem. I’ve dealt with these auto electricians before. They take a lot of convincing. I know the symptoms. I know what is wrong. I just want the alternator replaced with a shiny new one. What’s so hard about understanding that? WHY is it that car fixer-uppers never believe a woman, especially a grandmother-aged woman?

    I’ve been driving since I was 17 years old, I’ve been a car owner since my dad gave me a Morris Minor to learn to drive. I’ve had a lot of cars since then. While I might not be able to do the repairs myself I do know when something is wrong and I do know what the problem is. So why won’t these men listen? Do I have to find a bloke to take my car in for whatever work is needed, even if said bloke knows nothing about car problems?

  20. On several occasions Abbott has described ISIS as an “existential threat” to Australia . An idea so laughable that the bit about ” low key Nazi invasions” seem pretty plausible.

  21. Leone,

    You are displaying an unwomanly and dangerous knowledge of certain aspects of Secret Men’s Business. Many men (a large minority at the least, I suspect) do not like women showing any interest in, let alone understanding, SMB. So of course they take evasive action, the first step in which is to pat you on your pretty little head . . .

    Deep down, they are just scared little boys.

  22. Hypocrisy, anyone?

    The attorney general, George Brandis, has warned that the “great Australian achievement” of tolerance is at risk of being lost in the debate about terrorism.

    While Tony Abbott has previously called on Muslim leaders to more frequently describe Islam as a religion of peace “and mean it”, Brandis sought to promote community harmony in a nuanced speech about the national security situation on Thursday.

    The attorney general said it was critical that every Australian felt proud of the country’s cultural diversity. He declared that “radical, or unpopular, thinking has often transformed our country’s political and social landscape for the better” but added that supporting violence to achieve political change was never acceptable.

    http://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2015/sep/03/george-brandis-calls-for-tolerance-to-be-protected-in-terrorism-debate

    Or is he just doing his bit for bigotry?

  23. Fiona
    I might add I spend a lot of time with two rather complicated pieces of Secret Women’s Business machinery – a sewing machine and an overlocker. I can handle the basic maintenance, the cleaning, the changing of cutter blades, etc but I do send them off to a trusted repair man for servicing every so often. He is valued by his mostly female clients because he listens to them. He knows that if a woman tells him her machine is doing something odd then there really is a problem. He not only fixes the problem but explains what caused it and how, if possible, you can prevent it happening again or watch out for signs of it recurring. He is a treasure. I wonder if he’d be interested in working on a car…….

  28. One for BK.

    Kellyville Public School bans students from organ donation awareness for fear of offending religious beliefs

    ………….the school’s relieving principal Petra Hocking wrote to parents and ruled out participation in Jersey Day, this Friday, judging the pupils too young to comprehend such issues, and fearing offending religious minorities.

    “We do not feel that this is a topic normally suited to younger students and we are also aware we need to respect cultural differences and religious beliefs amongst our school community,’’ the letter said.

    The Daily Telegraph understands such consideration was made on behalf of a pupil who is a Jehovah’s Witness

    http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/nsw/kellyville-public-school-bans-students-from-organ-donation-awareness-for-fear-of-offending-religious-beliefs/story-fni0cx12-1227509391921

  29. Leone,

    I’ve had the same trouble with mechanics and I’m a man. I’ve actually had the alternator one you describe above. Most recently, though, it was with the outflow tube from the air conditioner – there was some kind of blockage in the reservoir that collects the water, so it didn’t go down the tube and under the car, it dripped all over the feet of the front seat passenger.

    I was told three times that that wasn’t the problem, even though I’d done the research and discovered it was an issue with the particular model I drive. I had to actually get down there and demonstrate it to the guy in the end, and even then he told it back to me as if he’d figured it out for himself.

    I know they don’t listen to women – in fact, that’s the case with a lot of men. I work closely with a woman, and in any situation where we’re getting advice or information it’s always me the guy talks to, even though my business partner is far more savvy with almost everything. She finds it frustrating, I find it embarrassing.

    But mechanics and electrical guys are just smartarses in general, and won’t let anyone tell them they’re wrong. Same with the guys who work with computers.

  31. An interesting theory about the blowing up of monuments by ISIS. Sounds plausible as it has been known for a while they have been selling antiquities .

    So why is Isis blowing to pieces the greatest artefacts of ancient history in Syria and Iraq? The archeologist Joanne Farchakh has a unique answer to a unique crime. First, Isis sells the statues, stone faces and frescoes that international dealers demand. It takes the money, hands over the relics – and blows up the temples and buildings they come from to conceal the evidence of what has been looted.

    “Antiquities from Palmyra are already on sale in London,” the Lebanese-French archaeologist Ms Farchakh says. “There are Syrian and Iraqi objects taken by Isis that are already in Europe.

    http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/isis-profits-from-destruction-of-antiquities-by-selling-relics-to-dealers–and-then-blowing-up-the-buildings-they-come-from-to-conceal-the-evidence-of-looting-10483421.html

  32. Secret Men’s Business repost…warning, warning; incoming!!

    A snappy, middle of the range whipper snipper is the latest addition to our weed-control tool kit. I gave it a test run last week and found it quite satisfactory. , a few nights later, the good OH. turned to me whilst we were watching “Midsomer Murders” and “instructed” me that she would like me to show her how to use the whipper snipper so she could do some jobs unaided by yours t’…

    Well, she didn’t say it like that..she spoke in that ‘I Am Woman Hear Me Roar’ voice that demands attention from a spouse or else!..you blokes will know what I mean…AND more power to them!…more power I say..I am the last male to deny woman their independence from the patriarchal stranglehold!…But I have to admit, when she first voiced that desire, those two most instructive words of the male “ incoming! incoming! ; warning!” radar rang out : “Uh Oh!”…because, you see…some of these machines are of a curious “male operatives only” design..and just as the complex intricacies of birthing and managing the species has been trusted by an astute “Mother Nature” to the most patient and persevering of the species , the operation and maintenance of many machines is best suited to the male of that same species..and why not?..we males are expendable…and besides. It would take at least two species evolutionary cycles for either of us to change roles.

    But!…Today, I took her to the ‘round yard’ and gave her the run-down on the machine. I showed her the pump button to prime the carby, I showed her the positions of choke settings to start and run the engine, I demonstrated the pull-cord start , I pointed to the cutting-cord and talked about the mechanism for lengthening the cord after it wears short etc , etc…I gave her several “you try..now I’ll show”..turns..stood back and only corrected when I saw an obvious thing that would assist her..then, as any instructor will attest, “experience is the best teacher”, I walked away…with the howling –full-throttled engine expecting it to blow-up in the next half hour…Sometimes you just gotta walk away and be prepared to cop-it-sweet.

    It’s amazing how durable those little motors are..

    She finished what she wanted to do, returned the whipper snipper to it’s place and I asked her how it went..
    “Oh..not bad..but it got a bit blunt toward the end”.

    “Blunt?” I inquired, somewhat amazed “The cord doesn’t get blunt, but it does get short..did you do that action I showed you ?”…I went and looked at the cutting cord as I spoke..sure enough, there wasn’t any.

    “Oh..there’s no cord left “

    “I know, but I didn’t know what that orange cord did”

    “It does the cutting” I gently replied (You have to reply gently in these situations or you don’t get any food later….every husband knows this).

    “I thought it had blades” she looked at me in wide eyed innocence and I fell in love all over again!
    You see, I’ve had experience with these situations before…I remember my first marriage, where one day I went to hang my washing out (see?..I know what independence means) and I saw the laundry trolley had lost two wheels off one axel.
    “Where’s the wheels from the laundry trolley ?” I innocently enquired, to which she, with equal wide-eyed inoffensiveness replied..:

    “ What …

    But, no…I will not state what most males will be able to guess with the inordinate accuracy of their own experience.

    I will go now to the meadow and attend to the horses…you may come too!

    🙂

  36. Leone, I had that sort of problem with my old 1992 Camry wagon, the electrics would just cut out, when I had the headlights on. I took to the auto electrician, only the apprentice was in, he opened the bonnet, pulled out something the size of a matchbox, shoved another one in, told me to return in a week and pay for it if the problem had gone away.
    It was a regulator and it cost $60 installed

    I bet you had to double de-clutch in your Morris Minor too

  37. I do not see why kids who are unfortunate enough to have whacko parents should be shielded from stuff that challenges the kid’s concept of reality as constructed by their family, It is not the school’s job to keep the kid in an information-free bubble just because his/her parents are nutjobs,

  42. Jaeger
    A couple of years back a UK paper looked at the “political correctness gone mad” stories in the gutter press about schools banning xmas. Well shock me horror when they investigated the quoted claims and found they were fabricated. Like the sun rising each day the likes of The Sun ( Hi Rupert) rolls out the PCGM stories leading up to xmas.

  45. billie11
    I didn’t have to double clutch, my little Morris Minor (1956 1000 model) had synchromesh.

  48. Kaffeeklatscher,

    Many thanks.

    Sometimes I surprise myself with the depths of my stupidity.

    Or should I claim data collection exhaustion?

    Anyway, I have another interesting day ahead of me, so must hie me to my bed very soon.

    Goodnight to you, and goodnight to all.

  49. My Morrie was a 1948 850 cc side valve that was rooted, gutless and not capable of driving further than from home to uni – any further and it sloooowed dooowwwwn dramatically. Perfect car for a lead footed P-Plater really

    The old man was appalled that I had bought it over his dead body – after all he had rebuilt a clapped out cadillac from scratch with his mates whilst in high school. He was much more active in his kids car purchases after that

  50. Joe6pack have a great trip, a bit late I know but it’s the thought that counts. Anyway thinking about planes –

Comments are closed.