The Warren Report

Today’s Guest Poster is our very own Puffy the Magic Dragon. It is – I hope – the start of a new series. Charge your glasses, fellow Pubsters, as we embark on a voyage of discovery!

(Image Credit: Watership-Down-Under)

Tithy snuggled down in his dark, cosy, clean-earth-scented bunk-room in the Great Southern Warren, twitching his rabbit ears for sounds of returning bunnies. He knew they had gone for a forage, looking for new patches of sweet plants to eat. Tithy stayed behind, resting with a headache. Thinking of eagles, and Willie, gave him migraines.

Tithy sighed loudly. It was hard being Top Rabbit. It was easier before he won the Big Count last season. Now everyone wanted everything sorted. They chattered throughout the night about how they needed new tunnels or how they did not like the new roster for tunnelling. Then there was Jinny who wanted to dig a new warren wing all for herself, even if it meant moving some of the Elders.

The kitchen staff kept complaining that the food supply was getting lower. But the young rabbits were too busy playing hide-and-seek because no-one was teaching them how to find the best food. All the older folk were not happy about doing daily food forages when the young ones were not learning anything, and they all expected him to fix it.

Tithy called for Mellie. She kindly shifted the cold compress between his ears, and said, ‘Tithy, my dear, you cannot stay here. Look at your stick-board. You have a visit to the hospital wing this afternoon, a session in the kitten nursery, and you are opening the new gym tomorrow morning. Remember your words, “A fit rabbit is a happy rabbit”.’

‘Yeah, yeah,’

Mellie boxed Tithy’s ears. ‘Are you listening to me? GET UP.’

‘OK, OK. But when do I get a holiday?’

‘You had one last month, remember – you spent a week, well two days actually, with the Elders on level five.’

‘I said holiday. Not work. If I claim travel carrots for it, it is not a holiday. We agreed on that in parley time.’

Mellie kicked Tithy right on his white tail. When he bounced back off the wall, he gave in, and whimpered, ‘I am up already, see. Where is everyone?’

‘Well, Slotto is waterboarding er bathing those rabbits who came down to the door of the warren saying they are running from a brushfire.’

Tithy replied, with a grimace, ‘They did smell of smoke but that could be a screen. Ha ha, Mellie. Smoke-screen. I made a joke. Smoke. Screen. Smoke-screen.’

She gave Tithy an indulgent smile. ‘Yes, dear.’

Meanwhile, out In The Bush, the foraging party came across some succulent wild melon plants. The green vines, huge leaves, and fat yellow melons nestling on the bank of the quiet creek were magnificent. They saw no less than ten melons, each the size of a rabbit’s hind leg.

The arguing started immediately. ‘Let’s chew off this one at the base and take it all back to the kitchen. Everyone will be thrilled. We will get a fern crown for sure,’ said Histo-Purr in his squeaky voice. His vocal cords had never quite grown up.

‘Don’t be a dunce, just take those nice ripe melons, they will make fantastic melon sauce to have with our mushroom bake. And when the next melon ripens we can get more. We can have melons all Warm Season!’ rejoiced Willie.

‘Aw, not you again, you always rabbit on so. Stopping us from our fun. We don’t need more later, there is always another plant. And don’t start on that grassfire nonsense. Three of our wise ones said it will never happen. We are listening to them!’ yelled Hoek as he pulled up the plant. ‘Come on guys, er and girlies, grab a vine and help me carry it home.’

(Image Credit: An American in Australia)

Tithy met them at the tunnel door. He waved a eucalyptus leaf back and forth in their honour, and led the foraging party down the tunnel to the parley room. All the rabbits were waiting. Top Rabbit Tithy proclaimed a holiday. (Except for the cleaners. And the female rabbits. Of course.)

‘See, I told you I had it all worked out. And look at our brave Forage Rabbits. They deserve a fern crown, and shall have one!’ (‘Except for Willie,’ he whispered to Mellie.)

Laura shouted very loudly, ‘But what about the smokey rabbits? That is three this week and two the week before. They say they had to hop fast from their warren as smoke was all over the place. They say it is getting hotter and windier on the plains and no grass is growing.’

Kindo spoke softly, ‘We should bring the smokey rabbits in here, give them some green tea and ask what happened. We need to know what might happen to our own warren.’

Morin jumped up. ‘This is a great warren, a safe warren. We have a great leader, our Tithy. Since he took over from Scarlet, you can see how much safer it is. We do not have to move. We have food and the dingos are far away. Nothing is going to happen to OUR home. These smokeys, they say there is no food in their plain. So they are coming here for OUR food, soon there will be enough plains rabbits to take over and throw us out. And those stories of smoke, they are lies, We all know plains rabbits are sneaks.’

Orda chimed in. ‘Yes, Laura and Morin are right. We must stop the plains rabbits. Drive them away. And anyone who does not want to help can get out!’

Not all the rabbits thumped in agreement but the ones who did thumped very loudly. The wet rabbits in the cells could feel it and wondered where the common rabbit-code had gone to in this strange warren.

Tithy raised his hand. ‘Now, now. Let me and my mini-stares think on the best thing to do. Just trust me.’ More enthusiastic thumping followed this proclamation. It went on and on because no-one wanted to be seen to be the first to stop. In the end, Mellie gave a throat slitting gesture and silence immediately prevailed.

Tithy, his day’s work done, settled in his bunk room to scratch out a speech to give at the kitten nursery. The smokey plains rabbits dripped water from their fur, way down in level 25, the one with the thickest walls.

The rabbit-brethren gathered for Melon Soup, and in the High Dining Room, the Top Rabbit and his Mini-Stares dined on sauté melon chunks and roasted melon root.

In a private tunnel, Willie and his followers met to plan.

‘The next Big Count is not for another six moon rises. This warren could fall in soon. Really collapse. No one is repairing the walls properly any more, there are leaks in the right quadrant and the roof is getting soft. Our young ones are not being taught how to burrow safely and no-one is looking after the old rabbits. And meanwhile Tithy just plays games and writes speeches. Willie has to win the next Big Count,’ said Tani-Ash. She was a wise rabbit.

Willie stroked the ground with his foot, and smiled his usual calm smile.

‘Just remember that song, my friends. Run Tithy, run.’

(Image Credit: Animalzfun)


396 thoughts on “The Warren Report

  1. No one can accuse the Nats of being sane

    NSW Nationals senator John Williams wants federal water issues to be included under agriculture, and not the environment portfolio.

    Senator Williams is calling for responsibility of the water portfolio to be transferred, and has the backing of his state branch.

    The NSW Nationals will put up a motion calling for the switch at the party’s federal conference next weekend, and Senator Williams is confident it will be carried.

    “I think the two (water and agriculture) are so closely tied and relative that they should be under the one portfolio,” he told The Weekly Times.

    “I fear for too long we’ve had water seen as an environmental issue only.

    “It’s all well and good to run water through the Murray-Darling… but what about food production and all the communities that have suffered?”

  2. I just saw this on Twitter:

    UberFacts ‏@UberFacts 3m3 minutes ago

    Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

    I think we’ve just found the explanation for Scott Morrison’s entire political career.

  3. With the announcement today that Andrew Southcott will not contest his seat of Boothby here in South Australia Senator Simon Birmingham who seems a little unhinged put out this press release.

    Friday, 04 September 2015
    Xenophon has questions to answer

    If Nick Xenophon’s political party is going to run candidates across multiple electorates at the next federal election, it’s time he started providing more details to South Australians.

    These are just some of the questions Nick Xenophon needs to answer about his political party.

    One: Who are the candidates? When will he reveal their names? When will he allow voters in
    South Australian electorates to start to scrutinise these candidates?

    Two: Will Nick Xenophon and his candidates support the formation of a Labor Government if they win Lower House seats?

    Three: Would Nick Xenophon and his candidates vote together as a bloc in the Parliament, if
    elected, or are they all effectively different independents?

    Four: How will Nick Xenophon ensure candidates in his political party don’t end up going the
    same way – splitting and dividing – as Clive Palmer’s MPs like Jacquie Lambie have from the Palmer political party?

    Five: Would Nick Xenophon and the candidates from his political party support Labor’s plans to reintroduce a carbon tax that would cost the economy $600 billion?

    Six: Would Nick Xenophon and the candidates from his political party support Labor’s plans for a 50% renewable energy target that would drive up electricity prices for all Australians?

    Seven: Would Nick Xenophon and the candidates from his political party vote to maintain all of
    the policies that have stopped the illegal flow of boats to Australia?

    Eight: Would Nick Xenophon and the candidates from his political party vote to support
    Labor’s plans for increased taxes on savings and superannuation?

    Nine: Would Nick Xenophon and the candidates from his political party guarantee not to support new taxes or tax rises?

    Ten: How would Nick Xenophon and his political party protect Australian workers from the
    economic damage caused by union thuggery and militancy?

    If Nick Xenophon is going to run candidates like any other political party and hopes to win seats like any other political party then he needs to start answering questions about his plans and policies, just like any other political party. Just being a commentator on everybody else won’t cut it anymore

  4. Hey, Jason..not that i am a supporter of the media hog ; Nick Zee’ , But I’d back his odds , even at 3/1 On against sfb. Birmingham any day!

    LNP. toast in SA.

  5. Aguirre

    It is amusing to hear Scrott speed “speaking in tongues” and the gasps he makes as he desperately sucks in more air to keep the wpm up. The Maori called the early Dalmatian settlers in NZ Tarara – Fast Talkers on account of how fast their language sounded to those who did not speak it. Could be apt for Scrott.

    As a note the Maori and Dalmatians got on very well and many intermarriages means a close association to this day. The ‘Dallies’ were pioneers in the wine industry .

  6. Good morning Dawn Patrollers.

    Tony Windsor in The Saturday Paper writes on Abbott’s war on governance.
    And Mike Seccombe explains Abbott’s war on “lawfare” and the China FTA.
    Michael Gordon gives Abbott an unflattering two year report card. (and it won’t be long before Menzies House gears up to skew the poll as the end of the article).
    Lenore Taylor’s report card is no better!
    Jess Irvine gives us a view of the tough economic times ahead.
    Fancy having the name “Peter Dutton”!
    Inside Border Force’s power – the militarisation of Immigration. A long and informative article.
    Paul Bongiorno outlines more cracks in the Abbott Cabinet.
    Bob Ellis with the Canning Countdown.
    Things are warming up with the various public service wage offer voting processes.

  7. Section 2 . . .

    Now asbestos pokes its head up in Nauru.
    Michael Gordon tells us about a Liberal backbench plea to Abbott to take in more Syrian refugees.
    More from Michael Gordon on the subject. A good swipe at Abbott here.
    The parliamentary committee has given bipartisan support to immigration legislation but with significant changes. Now it’s over to Dutton and Abbott.
    Mark Kenny reckons Abbott’s boat policy has been misrepresented.
    Jason Wilson schools Abbott on the Nazis.
    Michelle Grattan says Abbott is on the nose in Canning but the Libs do have their nose in front.
    Bombing Syria smells like a khaki election.,8128
    Here’s this week’s political quiz, I got 8/10
    This “midnight ambush” of the NDIS board is just so typical of this government.

  8. Section 3 . . .

    More is exposed about the ethos of Geelong Grammar as the CA Royal Commission continues.
    Peter Hartcher writes about the latest crop of books written by federal MPs.
    Wendy Harmer on how one group is planning to unseat the absent Member for Warringah.
    Ross Gittins – the economy is neither wonderful nor woeful.
    This SMH editorial defends the paper’s editorial policy.
    Heath Aston on how the divided cabinet has punted the costly Harper review into competition policy.
    And here’s why it has been punted – big business put on the squeeze.
    The political week that was.

  9. Section 4 . . . Cartoon Corner

    Alan Moir and Dutton’s media beat-up.

    Ron Tandberg’s always good or a bit of perspective.

    Oh dear! David Pope serves it right up to Abbott.

    A more poignant contribution on the subject from Mark Knight.

    Simon Letch’s version of the “pub test”.

    John Spooner has latched on to Abbott’s Nazi vs IS remarks.

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