APOLOGIES TO GOOGLE but….
I found this online and just had to share!
Ordering a Pizza in 2023
CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE: No sir, it’s Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: Super! That’s what I’ll have.
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How do you know that?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at your Pharmacy, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER:I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER: WHAT THE … !
GOOGLE:I’m sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I’m going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago…
Welcome to the future 😁
Copied/pasted, unknown author
Add your own jokes, please, we all need a laugh.
Yay or Nay to Pineapple on Pizza?
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Thank you to all the contributors to this thread.
Good morning Dawn Patrollers
Dutton risks being blamed if the Voice fails or deemed irrelevant if it succeeds, declares Niki Savva in a welcome and sparkling return.
David Crowe writes that a political storm over tax reform has forced Prime Minister Anthony Albanese to rule out taxing capital gains on the family home as the Coalition told voters to expect more financial hits after Labor unveiled plans to raise revenue from people with superannuation balances over $3 million.
Labor’s super changes welcome but we still need to talk about broader reform, urges the SMH editorial.
The effective tax rate paid by superannuants with more than $3 million in their accounts will be about 22 per cent due to franking credits and capital gains tax discounts – below the 30 per cent headline rate, explains John Kehoe.
The Australian is still all over the superannuation issue and cheerleader Peta Credlin kicks it off, saying Labor’s broken vows open a fresh front in class war.
Forget the cries of socialism and class warfare, super is no longer politically untouchable, argues John Quiggin who says the hysterical response to changes in superannuation policy, led by the Murdoch press, is not as effective as it used to be
Alan Kohler reckons the superannuation tax increase is a dress rehearsal.
Jim Chalmers has said businesses must justify price rises for customers suffering cost-of-living pain, warning against corporate gouging at a time of strong inflation.
Rate rises are hitting home as real incomes fall and the economy slows. “What an achievement!”, exclaims Greg Jericho who writes that, on seeing the latest GDP figures, the best that you can say is that you hope the Reserve Bank is happy.
James Massola writes about the generational divide at the heart of government exemplified by the fifteen years age difference between Albanese and Chalmers.
Treasurer Jim Chalmers has raised the prospect of enshrining an objective for superannuation in law. His promise that this will “end the super wars once and for all” is wishful thinking, opines Lachlan Newland.
Adrian Rollins refers to Treasury analysis which shows high income earners are the biggest beneficiaries of tax breaks worth more than $100 billion a year.
The editorial in the AFR says that, with annual GDP growth now dipping below 3 per cent, Wednesday’s national accounts are enough to raise serious questions about what growth plan the government has to get out of the approaching slowdown.
With excess corporate profits accounting for 69% of additional inflation beyond the RBA’s target, current anti-inflation policy blames the victims of inflation, while ignoring its perpetrators, says Jim Stanford.
Campbell Kwan writes about the sort of voter the Coalition should fear.
The competition watchdog will investigate if Australian businesses are forcing their staff to sign away their rights to switch jobs for better pay and conditions with claims a lack of competition has contributed to real wages growing just $18 a week over the past decade. Shane Wright explains the points Andrew Leigh has been making.
Cost of living – including rising grocery prices, utility bills and housing – is by far the number one concern for NSW voters, with 50 per cent rating it as their top priority ahead of the March 25 election. Alexandra Smith writes that NSW Labor is seen as the party to best deal with rising living costs, while the Coalition is identified as the most capable manager of the state’s economy.
NSW Labor’s record on infrastructure pales against what the Coalition government has delivered. And yet, the voters seem focused only on what’s coming next, says Smith.
According to Tom Rabe, the spectre of further Coalition privatisation will be the centre of NSW Labor’s remaining election campaign, with the party to claim the Perrottet government will have to sell more state assets to pay for tens of billions of infrastructure promises.
The Albanese government has lived up to its tough talk on critical minerals supply chains and blocked a Chinese businessman increasing his stake in a rare earths miner. Jim Chalmers has confirmed intervening to stop Yuxiao Fund, controlled by Wu Tao, increasing its stake in Northern Minerals from 10 per cent to 19.9 per cent based on advice from the Foreign Investment Review Board.
The New Daily tells us what came out at yesterday’s robodebt royal commission hearing. Stuart Robert is first up this morning – should be a cracker!
Michael Pascoe explains why governments must meaningfully re-enter the housing market.
The Conversation tells us why cough medicines containing pholcodine can be deadly even if taken months before surgery.
The editorial in The Age says advertisements for online gambling outfits are ubiquitous on the nation’s televisions. Not only are they annoyingly intrusive, there is growing evidence they are contributing to societal ills, making gambling seem like a normal pastime, encouraging risky behaviour and moulding children into future customers.
Meanwhile, a number of high-profile AFL players have refused to have their image used by the AFL’s wagering partner, for ethical, reputational or even commercial reasons. Jake Niall tells us that Melbourne’s premiership full-forward and renowned goalkicker Ben Brown is among the leading players who have chosen not to have their image used in the AFL-authorised betting promotions for ethical reasons.
Woodside has agreed to bargain with unions on its offshore gas platforms for the first time after Fair Work shot down its challenges as “pedantic” and “nitpicking”.
The Senate inquiry into the government’s key emissions policy, the Safeguard Mechanism, revealed broad support for the policy by industry bodies, yet independent experts exposed a myriad of inadequacies. It may even lead to higher emissions. Callum Foote reports.
Hiking the costs of postage stamps, slashing letter delivery frequency and slowing the delivery speed of the priority letter service are all on the table as the federal government looks to save Australia Post. Lisa Visentin explains where they are coming from.
Michaela Whitbourn tells us that veteran journalist Lisa Wilkinson will seek to prove former federal Liberal staffer Bruce Lehrmann raped his then-colleague Brittany Higgins in Parliament House as part of a truth defence to his defamation claim against her and Network Ten. A rape trial by proxy?
The Australian Banking Association is refusing to answer questions over a breach of the Code of Practice pertaining to access for the disabled, writes Dale Webster.
Georgina Mitchell writes about the trial of former NSW MP Milton Orkopoulos who is accused of sexually abusing four boys some twenty years ago.
The Catholic church is attempting to use the death of a paedophile, who had been jailed for the abuse of 17 children, to shield itself from further civil claims from his survivors. Christopher Knaus explains how in recent months, the church has adopted an increasingly aggressive approach to survivors in cases where paedophile clergy have died. It has sought to capitalise on a recent decision in New South Wales’s highest court that ruled a priest’s death meant the church could not receive a fair trial in a claim brought by a woman known as GLJ.
Even as Donald Trump promised, if he regains the US presidency, to double down on his trade war with China this week, thousands of American companies have been queuing up to complain about the existing tariffs and seek compensation for their impact, explains Stephen Bartholomeusz.
Beleaguered casino group Star Entertainment, which is fighting fires on several fronts, is now faced with another unknown – how to deal with a billionaire raiding its shares to take a 10 per cent stake in the business, writes Elizabeth Knight.
Following yet another Israeli Settler killing spree and the “annexation of the West Bank”, Israel is now a “formal, full-fledged apartheid regime”, declares the leading Isreali newspaper Ha’aretz.
New results from NASA’s DART planetary defence mission confirm we could deflect deadly asteroids.
Democratic leaders have sent a letter to Fox News executives demanding the network stop spreading misinformation about the 2020 election and for its hosts to admit on air they were wrong to do so.
Sydney property developer Jean Nassif and his daughter secured approval for a $150 million credit application by allegedly deceiving Westpac with fraudulent pre-sales contracts, with the businessman admitting in secret phone taps the documents were “fake”, police claim. Surely these two are worthy of nomination for “Arseholes of the Week”/
Glen Le Lievre
From the US
Good morning Dawn Patrollers
Angus Thompson describes how Stuart Robert told the royal commission that he made false statements in support of the robodebt scheme, but said he was obliged to defend it as a cabinet minister. What a snake!
Stuart Robert admits making ‘false’ robodebt statements – but how real were his ‘personal misgivings’, wonders Luke Henriques-Gomes.
In combative testimony to the robodebt royal commission, former Human Services Minister Stuart Robert denied he resisted advice the scheme was unlawful, writes the AFR’s Tom Burton.
A lot was riding on his appearance at the royal commission into robodebt, for Mr Robert personally but also senior colleagues in the former Morrison government – but he seriously raised the stakes, writes James Robertson. He says, “Robert’s testimony about ending the scheme as soon as he got a copy of legal advice points mostly to a bigger question: Was everyone else in the cabinet, as he was, unaware for months that the government’s top lawyer believed it had been running an illegal debt collection scheme targeting the citizenry? Top lawyers had for years warned about robodebt’s dubious legal foundations.”
The former PM and all the architects of this unlawful scheme which drove thousands to despair and suicide must face consequences for their part in Robodebt, says Michelle Pini.
If voters bless super reforms, negative gearing is the next logical shift, says David Crowe who concludes his contribution with, “Albanese and Chalmers have found a way to propose change without a breach of faith: announce it early, legislate it this term but make sure it takes effect after the next election. They are attempting reform with the permission of the Australian people. And they have a chance to ask permission to go further.”
The super wars present an awkward choice for teal and other independents, who not only campaigned heavily on integrity, but represent the wealthiest electorates, writes Phillip Coorey.
Michelle Grattan says that trimming the tail of the superannuation tax tiger is no easy task.
A Morrison government fund to reduce traffic congestion across the country allocated 83 per cent of its projects – worth almost $3 billion – to Liberal-held seats, while suffering from huge cost blowouts and ongoing delays, explains Shane Wright.
The most expensive thing in a McDonald’s Big Mac is not the patty or the labour cost, but the intellectual property that McDonald’s uses to minimise its tax in Australia. Callum Foote reports on one of the methods the multinationals use to shift profit to tax havens and the government’s response.
Tom McIlroy reports that the Home Affairs minister has tasked secretary Michael Pezzullo with reorienting the department’s focus towards domestic security challenges.
Tom Rabe and Alexandra Smith report that the NSW parliamentary inquiry report into branch stacking allegations engulfing Sydney’s political and business worlds has found the probe faced unprecedented and co-ordinated attempts from witnesses to avoid summons amid new evidence a key figure could be hiding out in bushland. And the premier’s brother has had a big spit about it.
Sue Arnold accuses the mainstream media of censoring a major NSW election issue as industrial logging of NSW native forests continues to gather dust in political closets.
There are ten election theories to test in New South Wales, explains Tony Smith.
Lucy Hamilton says that Australia must cease following America’s lead into hell.
New federal consumer chief Catriona Lowe vows the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission will test the limits of the law in prosecuting companies, expects to lose some cases, and says she cannot think of an effective self-regulation scheme, reports Tom Burton.
Paul Karp tells us that an Afghan man has challenged Karen Andrews’s decision to cancel his visa in 2021, arguing that Scott Morrison’s multiple ministerial appointments displaced her as home affairs minister and rendered the decision void. This should be fun.
Adam Morton reports that independent senator David Pocock has urged the Albanese government to quickly implement all recommendations from a review of Australia’s carbon credit system, given it wants to introduce a climate policy that relies heavily on offsets.
Labor promised aged care reform. The clock is ticking for genuine change, declares Sarah Russell.
Mary Ward writes that the cost of a popular medication that people with type 1 diabetes say allowed them to live a normal life will increase from $30 to $230 a month, after the manufacturer announced plans to withdraw it from the pharmaceutical benefits scheme.
According to GP Miriam Tokhi, Australian community health services are withering from neglect.
“How much margin will Coles, Woolworths and Metcash have to give up to defend their market share from a resurgent Aldi?”, asks Sue Mitchell after Aldi claims it is 17% cheaper than the two biggies.
The SMH editorial has a good dig at Rupert Murdoch and his current travails.
The NSW corruption watchdog will investigate allegations bureaucrats from the state’s transport agency and an inner Sydney council used their positions dishonestly in awarding contracts to various companies for their own advantage.
Concerned that, as consumers, as citizens, as friends and workers, Peter Lewis says we are being constantly stalked by companies and governments who know things about us that we don’t even know about ourselves. Lewis argues that surely it’s time to question whether it’s our right to live a life on our terms, free from the thousands of creepy eyes that follow our every move.
China’s economy has bounced back dramatically from last year’s zero-COVID misery but whether the recovery lasts is another question, writes Stephen Bartholomeusz who says Xi could get in its way.
It’s kind of delicious to see Fox confounded, finally, not by decency or ethics but rather the mule-headed obstinance of its audience, writes Bill Wyman who says Fox News trumpeting conspiracies is worse than we thought.
Meanwhile, Donald Trump has attacked Rupert Murdoch in a blistering statement, accusing him of betraying his Fox News television hosts by admitting that he doubted their conclusions about the 2020 election. Ha ha!
Anthony Albanese is shaping up as the most untrustworthy and dangerous prime minister we’ve ever had — worse even than Whitlam, says Andrew Bolt. This is where the article belongs!
Glen Le Lievre
From the US
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