The Scion, the Wheat, and the Cabinet – Chapter V

Guest Author Uncategorized

Here is the next episode of Malcolm B Duncan’s historical satire.

(Image Credit: Rocco)

The Chronicles of Nadir
As told from the grave by Tom Lewis

Tale the First

The Scion, the Wheat and the Cabinet

Chapter V

One of the most difficult things in the world (apart from getting the top off an old milk bottle without tearing it or throwing up) has always been sexing a beaver. Corder, however, was an expert beaver-sexer and had, from an early age (strangely on an exchange trip to a wheat farm in Canada), learnt that the key was that beavers (naturally because of their diets) always smell of fish. How he learnt that is probably not a suitable story for children so we shall leave it for the moment. Suffice it that Corder was always on the lookout for beavers. He passed Federal Agent 49 who was disguised as a liquidamber. “Evening, sir” said the shrub. “Evening, 49” said Corder. “What’s the goss?” “The children have been going down with the beavers and there is a report in from Immigration that Sir Alfred is back.”

“What?” shouted Corder. “The Queen must be told immediately. Keep a sharp eye out,” he said, over his shoulder as he rushed away.

“Rooted to the spot, sir,” said 49.

Meanwhile, at the Coalface, a short fussy little man with curly white hair was wondering whether he should ask a question. The Coleface itself was looking more flinty than ever. Things with the dwarf hadn’t gone well and even the boy Dweeb didn’t know anything. Well, you wouldn’t if nobody ever told you anything and you never asked. It was all terribly frustrating. There were literally thousands of emails, notes, files, warnings and alerts but no-one ever seemed to read anything or listen to anyone. “Thank goodness they’ve brought back University fees,” thought the grizzle-haired man. “You wouldn’t give this mob another free ride for quids. But,” he said out loud “if that’s the way it works, who’s running the place?”

Sir Alfred Deakin walked in. He had been dead for some time and was still in the terminal stages of Alzheimer’s disease. He had been resurrected by the diseased mind of an author who believed the Devil was a real presence and used to read a lot of Milton. To some extent, it was Sir Alfred regained, but, with the Alzheimer’s, he was able to regain and regain again and again without ever remembering where he’d regained from. He remained the scion of Liberalism and it did not matter to him that he did not recognize the House on the Hill or the beautiful colours of the Keating Retrospective. He was also spared the knowledge that the taxpayer was currently funding four ex-prime ministers (most of whom were reliant either on Medicare or a gentleman’s outfitter in New Orleans) and a Dwarf.

Sir Alfred strode through the land of Nadir as if World War I was just an idea that the Americans had had in 1917. He had always been a free-trader and believed deeply in unemployment for the working man. There was, of course, no internal logical consistency in holding Liberal views. He had never fully recovered from Higgins’ invention of the basic wage and he had returned to put things right.

Being dead, though, he had a certain ephemeral quality and was obliged to maintain fairly close relations with his old friend Madam Blavatsky.

Sir Alfred turned to the grizzle-haired man and said, “There’s this bloke in Bognor.”

“So that’s what George VI was on about,” the grizzle-headed man replied.

“Sir Alfred is back,” said Corder to the Queen. A dark stain started to form in the groin of the Dwarf.

“The scion of Liberalism,” said the Lady Jadis. “Fetch me back Alexander, I have plans.”

Just then, the sun broke through the clouds and the chill of winter lessened a moment.

“Corder,” said the Queen, “fetch also for me the Fruits of Office labeled ‘Wheat’.”

416 thoughts on “The Scion, the Wheat, and the Cabinet – Chapter V”

  1. So how does a club get mass tickets to an ABC event that has a high demand for tickets. The hoops one has to go through to get a seat in the QandA audience and the slim chance that anyone has of getting selected means any mass distribution of seats to one political party organisation has to be questionable, wouldn’t you think?

    Who arranged the UYLC members to get selected for the audience (i.e. ‘get tickets’)
    Who was involved in the arrangements for them to attend as a group?
    How did the Uni Young Liberal Club get the tickets, as in the process undertaken?
    Did other political party clubs get the same opportunity?
    Did other organisations got bulk tickets too, if so which ones?

  2. https://theconversation.com/stop-the-pirates-behind-brandis-copyright-crusade-25819

    http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/apr/29/in-multicultural-australia-libraries-should-be-non-negotiable-assets

    http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/apr/29/in-multicultural-australia-libraries-should-be-non-negotiable-assets

    http://www.politicalowl.com/home/2014/04/30/an-opinion-about-china-to-frighten-australians/

  6. Isn’t it funny – there has been a small amount of angst in the press over the bulk billing co-payment, tightening welfare payments and other things that really won’t affect the higher level press writers, but will have huge effects on the low paid.

    Compared with the wailing and gnashing of teeth, the screams of betrayal over a levy that they would have to pay, even though they should be able to bear the cost easily enough.

    You can always bet on self interest.

  13. Abbott brushed off that dinner thing by saying Nick could have been at the dinner but he meets lots of people at functions, some can have 1000 people attending, he can’t possibly remember everyone he shakes hands with. Or something like that.

    Barry O’Farrell tried the same line, then the photos started to appear and he had to come clean. ‘Ohhh…THAT Nick di Girolamo…….’

  18. Well, he’s finally done it. After shrieking “budget emergency” at us all the way to the election until nobody was in doubt about the claims he was making, Abbott today has come up with the “we didn’t know it would be as bad as this” line. I’m afraid that one only works when you’ve gone into the election promising all sorts of lovely things – and then it’s just used to dump those things. Abbott went into it promising fiscal management or some such crap, and didn’t offer a thing except the ridiculous PPL he’s been spruiking for years. Oh, and stop the boats, which he’s still throwing money at..

    And the fun part is that on the same day we have Truss over at the NPC spending on infrastructure like a drunken sailor – all outside the estimates of course. That’s when he’s not claiming credit for things the ALP did during the last term – a lot of which he voted against.

    I wonder what happened to those dozens of policies Robb and Hockey claimed last year they had all ready to go? We still haven’t seen any of them.

  19. A lovely piece from Crikey – unlocked – on Abbott and Hockey’s election promises on taxes and the budget.
    Includes this gem –

    Abbott media conference, November 20, 2012:

    Abbott: We are about reducing taxes, not increasing taxes. We are about getting rid of taxes, not imposing new taxes.

    Journalist: Is that a promise?

    Abbott: This is my whole reason for being in politics, in the Parliament.

    http://www.crikey.com.au/2014/04/30/coalition-hypocrisy-abbott-and-hockey-in-their-own-words/

  20. I wonder how they will do this and get noticed by people?

  22. Essential –
    The Coalition down one point on its primary vote (40% – down more than 5 points from September)
    Labor has picked one up (38%)
    The Greens have lost one (10%).
    PUP still on 5%.
    Two-party preferred – 52-48 in Labor’s favour.
    There’s other stuff too – no-one wants those new aircraft, we are swinging back to the monarchy – and more.
    http://essentialvision.com.au/category/essentialreport

  24. Oh, and stop the boats, which he’s still throwing money at..

    Let’s not forget: “Find The Planes”… $60 million literally down the gurgler there.

  25. The young liberals flying squad

    AshGhebranious ‏@AshGhebranious 4m
    The young liberal flying squad set their sights on #ICAC #auspol pic.twitter.com/abc3jiR3qb

  26. mail from Labor today, about their new online Labor Herald.

    Over the past 18 months we’ve made great progress building our online community. There are now ten times more people involved than there were in mid-2012, but we know there’s more to do.

    You’ve told us you want more factual information about what Tony Abbott and his government are doing and you want the opportunity to have your say. You’ve told us that you can see the Labor message isn’t making it through the mainstream media and we have to produce our own news service.

    I agree. The catch is we don’t get the big corporate donations the Liberal Party gets and we need to hire someone experienced as an editor so we can do this properly. It’ll be their job to write useful, interesting articles for the site on issues like cuts to pensions and the Commission of Audit.

    It’s going to cost us around $95,000 year to find the right person for this, hopefully a news journalist with experience online.

    Can you be a foundation subscriber to the new online Labor Herald news service? To get this off the ground we only need about 350 people to sign up to donate $22.60 a month.

    I know not everyone can afford that, but if you can chip in $10 or $15 that will help too, and if you can spare a little more – maybe $30 or $40, that will make up the difference.

    As well as the latest news we want to make sure we hear from you and our editor will be in charge of finding the very best content submitted by the public and making sure it gets published.

    We’ll send a daily bulletin out to everyone who signs up so you can get up to date information on what’s happening each day. A bit like Labor’s own Crikey.

    There will be handy facts, interesting articles and video. It will be no nonsense and it won’t be filtered through the mainstream media.

    I believe it’s really important that we do this. We need our own news and we need a place where we can hear each other’s views.

    I hope you’ll help us deliver it.
    With thanks,
    George Wright
    National Secretary

  27. “Find the Planes” is a good one.

    Who has been paying the money up to date?
    Why are we paying the money for the new ocean-bottom phase?

    As I read it, we are going to ask the Malaysian and the Chinese Governments to chip in. Bully for that.

    When push comes to shove, what basically responsibility sheets home to the Australian Government (and people). It wasn’t our airline; it wasn’t flying to or from our country; it had very few Australian nationals on it.

    Why don’t we just butt out instead of trying to big-note ourselves?

  28. It was a big fail of the msm that over several years Tones was never challenged over his promises which meant somehow simultaneously he’ll reduce taxes increase spending and produce a surplus in a jiffy. The economic cassowaries are coming home to roost for poor Tones.

  29. This little black duck

    Given some of the stories about the Sydney uni Liberal party incubators I was thinking ,more Wizard of Oz style .

  30. Why don’t we butt out? Well, that’s an easy one to answer. Abbott only has three media approaches:

    1. The same speech he’s been giving for about 3-4 years, which is basically a precis of the blue pamphlet he carried around early last year – Labor debt, get rid of Carbon Tax, stop the boats, aspirations blah blah blah

    2. Stand around like a gormless twit with his family

    3. Unicorn.

    Take away the unicorns and his public profile looks threadbare and repetitive. Even with them it’s pretty bad, but it’d be way worse without. A lost plane is a unicorn too tempting to pass up, and he’s been milking it for all it was worth. Twice already he’s called a press conference to announce nothing’s happened specifically to draw attention away from bad news elsewhere.

    Abbott’s not a politician. He’s not a politician’s armpit (there’s a concept you probably didn’t need to think about). He’s a media creation specifically designed to deliver corporate results. But his only mode is attack dog, and he can’t do that from where he is. So managing him is very tricky. It’s a losing game, as I’m sure they all realise by now. But until they have the balls to remove him and replace him with…. well, there’s a whole other problem; anyway, until they sort that out they have to sell him somehow. So the unicorns stay, no matter what the cost.

  31. Leone

    Thanks for that. Would love to donate, but it sounds like we are going to need every cent we have (pension) to just survive at the moment. We are making a list of the things we can give up, but it is not a big list as we don’t have much to spare anyway.

  32. 2gravel
    Same here. If I paid for every on-line news/comment thingy that wants my money I’d go broke. Even The Hoopla wants to be paid now.

  33. The really fun thing about ICAC is that the witnesses have no idea what the counsel assisting has up his sleeve.

  35. The Elderly Strike Back
    No – not irate pensioners. The cast for the newest Star Wars movie has been announced, some of the stars of the original 1977 movie and its sequels will return. I hope they will be able to cope with the demands of filming without needing walking frames and nanna naps.
    Peter Mayhew will be back as Chewbacca, he will have his 70th birthday in a couple of weeks.
    Kenny Baker – R2-D2 – will turn 80 in August.Harrison Ford will soon be 73.
    Carrie Fisher is a mere baby at 57 and Mark Hamill is 62.
    http://tenplay.com.au/channel-ten/the-project/top-stories/wars-stars-announced

  36. Since Cardinal Pell left for the Vatican, things went downhill for Abbott

    A win win.

  38. Puffy
    Some comfort for your brother and sister in law – more and more a bc diagnosis is not a death sentence as once seemed to be the case. I was diagnosed with Advanced Breast Cancer last July – Stage 4 out of the gate – forget Stages 1, 2 or 3. I had not realised that this could happen, having been undergoing regular mammograms for years. I believe the stats are approx 10% of patients present with Stage 4. More and more the disease is treated as a chronic disease – especially if it is caught early. So many more positive options are available these days. Although it is a shock – there’s a lot to be positive for and our health system is still great – although not sure how long it can withstand the Abbott onslaught!

  39. Aguirre

    Sadly his unicorns have died of exhaustion. This may be all he has left.

  40. Shady Lady,
    I had been wondering how you were going. My best wishes and thoughts to you.

    Kaffeeklatscher,
    I doubt if Senator Xenophon would be too pleased with that!

  42. One hears little of that big inquiry of Abbotts into pink, or as he calls them roof batts. Noticed that in the last few days, Abbott di say the roof batts killed people. I wonder how the batts did that?” That is either pinl or roof.

    I do not believe that Rudd’s and Garrets appearance in May will attract anymore attention.

    As for the one into the HSU and unions, that is already linin g up to be interesting. Cannot see how Kathy and her ex will not be first in line. I know the lady is saying she is assisting the RC. Cannot believe they are not that stupid, that they will not quickly see through her. After all her ex did pay thousands back for visits to the brothels.

    As for slush funds, the one that Gillard was alleged to be involved in, is beginning to appear to be mild indeed.

    As today’s ICAC moves down the coast, to the man that worked for both Abbott and Baird, can one assume guild by association, as they do for Gillard.

  43. Pensioners have a right to be angry. They’ve done all they could to help their children while they studied, helped them stay in the family home at low cost, helped with some expenses, helped with rent, helped with loans when the children decided to buy a flat/house. They’ve always been there for their children. In many cases, they even help their grandchildren. Contrary to what Hockey seems to say that the new generation shouldn’t have to pay for the old one.

  44. I think I’ve finally worked it out !…..this current LNP. govt’ isn’t a reality govt’ at all!..it’s a “manufactured reality govt'” …you know…like one of those “fake” pop groups…”10 cc” or “Millie Vanilly” or whatever…that has been foisted upon the populace by some advertising crowd!…..that’s why they can’t make real policy…that’s why they have these brain-fart moments…they are not really a govt’ entity at all!…..all this time I was wondering how such a collection of unlikely characters that seemed to have no idea how to run a raffle, let alone a nation, had got into power…into the top-ten, so to speak!……that’s why they all look so stupid..that’s why they all sound so “out of tune” when not “in the studio” under the direction of their “producer Cledlin”……
    The nation been duped by Murdoch into voting for a “reality-parliament” entertainment show!….time to “vote them out”!….or change channels!

  45. I would be very surprised if Hockey believed he should not care for his parents. In fact, I suspect they would demand he does.

  49. Speaking of Hockey – is he still alive? He has been vewy, vewy quiet. It’s supposed to be his budget but it seems to be all about Tony.

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