The Scion, the Wheat, and the Cabinet – Chapter V

Here is the next episode of Malcolm B Duncan’s historical satire.

(Image Credit: Rocco)

The Chronicles of Nadir
As told from the grave by Tom Lewis

Tale the First

The Scion, the Wheat and the Cabinet

Chapter V

One of the most difficult things in the world (apart from getting the top off an old milk bottle without tearing it or throwing up) has always been sexing a beaver. Corder, however, was an expert beaver-sexer and had, from an early age (strangely on an exchange trip to a wheat farm in Canada), learnt that the key was that beavers (naturally because of their diets) always smell of fish. How he learnt that is probably not a suitable story for children so we shall leave it for the moment. Suffice it that Corder was always on the lookout for beavers. He passed Federal Agent 49 who was disguised as a liquidamber. “Evening, sir” said the shrub. “Evening, 49” said Corder. “What’s the goss?” “The children have been going down with the beavers and there is a report in from Immigration that Sir Alfred is back.”

“What?” shouted Corder. “The Queen must be told immediately. Keep a sharp eye out,” he said, over his shoulder as he rushed away.

“Rooted to the spot, sir,” said 49.

Meanwhile, at the Coalface, a short fussy little man with curly white hair was wondering whether he should ask a question. The Coleface itself was looking more flinty than ever. Things with the dwarf hadn’t gone well and even the boy Dweeb didn’t know anything. Well, you wouldn’t if nobody ever told you anything and you never asked. It was all terribly frustrating. There were literally thousands of emails, notes, files, warnings and alerts but no-one ever seemed to read anything or listen to anyone. “Thank goodness they’ve brought back University fees,” thought the grizzle-haired man. “You wouldn’t give this mob another free ride for quids. But,” he said out loud “if that’s the way it works, who’s running the place?”

Sir Alfred Deakin walked in. He had been dead for some time and was still in the terminal stages of Alzheimer’s disease. He had been resurrected by the diseased mind of an author who believed the Devil was a real presence and used to read a lot of Milton. To some extent, it was Sir Alfred regained, but, with the Alzheimer’s, he was able to regain and regain again and again without ever remembering where he’d regained from. He remained the scion of Liberalism and it did not matter to him that he did not recognize the House on the Hill or the beautiful colours of the Keating Retrospective. He was also spared the knowledge that the taxpayer was currently funding four ex-prime ministers (most of whom were reliant either on Medicare or a gentleman’s outfitter in New Orleans) and a Dwarf.

Sir Alfred strode through the land of Nadir as if World War I was just an idea that the Americans had had in 1917. He had always been a free-trader and believed deeply in unemployment for the working man. There was, of course, no internal logical consistency in holding Liberal views. He had never fully recovered from Higgins’ invention of the basic wage and he had returned to put things right.

Being dead, though, he had a certain ephemeral quality and was obliged to maintain fairly close relations with his old friend Madam Blavatsky.

Sir Alfred turned to the grizzle-haired man and said, “There’s this bloke in Bognor.”

“So that’s what George VI was on about,” the grizzle-headed man replied.

“Sir Alfred is back,” said Corder to the Queen. A dark stain started to form in the groin of the Dwarf.

“The scion of Liberalism,” said the Lady Jadis. “Fetch me back Alexander, I have plans.”

Just then, the sun broke through the clouds and the chill of winter lessened a moment.

“Corder,” said the Queen, “fetch also for me the Fruits of Office labeled ‘Wheat’.”

416 thoughts on “The Scion, the Wheat, and the Cabinet – Chapter V

  1. The smartest thing Hockey’s done so far is stay a million miles away from this so-called ‘debt levy’. I may have to revise exactly how stupid I think he is. Downgraded from ‘totally’ to merely ‘very’.

  2. This is turning out to be a low grade, bog standard Government. Its purpose is shallow. Its values are twisted. Its character is questionable and its leadership is thin, veiled and opportunist. Above all it lacks moral compass. It still reminds me – indelibly – of the inglorious McMahon years. The light on the hill is but a pale flicker. And I have no doubt that what we have seen so far in almost every area of public policy will continue to define it. We all remain the poorer for it. Think I’ll retreat to books and music.

  3. Al Palster,
    Books and music – a good plan, but do drop into The Pub from time to time.

  4. Thanks for birthday wishes- I knew about Saddam Hussein – (admit I can be a bit dictatorial)- not about M/s Cruze. -Have to say we April 28thers seem a bit of a mixed bag. Would enjoy either birthday cake- but have had a good couple of days.
    I suspect there has been a directive that media must call Abbott PM..
    Labor news is a step in the right direction – but is preaching to the converted – how to get it to the others?
    How delicious if Kathy Jackson implicates herself- or maybe Peter Wicks could give evidence.

  5. And all this money floating around isn’t “corruption”’s SPONSORSHIP!!…’Folks…here’s Barnaby Jay…brought..or rather ; BOUGHT to you by Monsanto Hay ! “……and ..” Snorron Truss, brought to you by “Stillnox”…gauranteed to ; “let you down like a baby!” “….etc..etc..

  6. A triple 😆 . Abbott on Sky explaining his Posh Parental Loot scheme ( PPL) backflip/retreat/back down (all words used on Sky) revives “The budget emergency” .

  7. Has anyone else noticed the FDotM is missing some dialogue from the panels (specifically panels 3 & 10) or is it just me??? Or dog forbid censorship!

  8. All the bullshit spewed out over the last few years is being regugitated..not instigated by the MSM…but by social media….I get down on my bended knes and thank the livin’ geezus for social media!….yeee-Haa!

  9. The Nationals are polling 2% nationally yet their leader is Deputy PM. What a joke! The feat AND the incumbent.

  10. CK
    I didn’t think there was meant to be anything in those panels. but now you have me wondering….Mr First Dog hasn’t tweeted anything about it, no-one else seems worried so we just have to assume that’s how it was meant to be.

  11. leonetwo

    That was my first thought as well until I noticed that on the grauniad home page where it alerts you to the cartoon the selected panel had dialogue but it was missing in the actual cartoon.

  12. More Liberal skullduggery –
    $11,000 for breakfast with Tony Abbott, access to senior ministers’ chiefs of staff
    Liberal fundraiser invitation goes out as Icac revelations ignite criticism of the party about influence peddling in NSW

    The Liberal party federal director, Brian Loughnane, has offered “business observers” a breakfast with the prime minister, Tony Abbott, and access to his ministers’ chiefs of staff for $11,000, at the same time as New South Wales Liberal party members face scrutiny in the Independent Commission Against Corruption over influence peddling.

    The $11,000 price tag – including GST – is pitched just below the $12,000 threshold at which political donations have to be disclosed to the Australian Electoral Commission.

  13. CK
    You are right – ‘We have always been at war on taxation’ is missing……..hmmmmmm…….. worth a comment, maybe?

  14. Which one of the former Pope/now Saints will become the Patron Saint of Kiddie Fiddlers?

  15. Kaffeeklatscher,

    You are being too generous to Richo. I don’t think any part of him – except his ego – could be described as full size.


  17. Ducky,

    Qvack for yourself.

    We don’t all have the time, energy, and/or inclination to read as widely as Leroy does. I am most grateful for his links, just as I am for those given to us by BK, Leone, and you – not to mention everyone else who provides gems for our attention.

    And it’s goodnight from moi.

  18. The release of THE audit today should take Tones’ Deceit Tax off the front page .Although from this article it may not go over a heck of a lot better.

    Canberra to be cut to bone in audit report

    Tony Abbott’s Commission of Audit has recommended massive cuts to the size of government, with whole agencies to be abolished, privatised, or devolved to the states, in what would be the biggest reworking of the federation ever undertaken.

    Among its 86 recommendations, to be finally unveiled on Thursday afternoon, are calls for the axing of multiple agencies and the surrender of huge swathes of responsibility back to the states in education, health, and other services

  19. Good morning Dawn Patrollers.
    Well if you give the task to a bunch of pet “drys” this is what you’ll get.
    If they pull this off they will deserve credit.
    Oh dear! The rabid Bernardi is a bit upset by his leader.
    This is how they do post graduate work after schooling at the Liberal incubators.
    Peter FitzSimons on the power of protest via sport.
    This sounds very much like a wing and a prayer.
    Kate McClymont with yesterday’s ICAC revelations.
    Jonathon Swan on Abbott’s and Hockey’s unhealthy obsession with debt.
    Mark Kenny on Abbott’s panicky actions of late.

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