The Scion, the Wheat, and the Cabinet – Chapter V

Here is the next episode of Malcolm B Duncan’s historical satire.

(Image Credit: Rocco)

The Chronicles of Nadir
As told from the grave by Tom Lewis

Tale the First

The Scion, the Wheat and the Cabinet

Chapter V

One of the most difficult things in the world (apart from getting the top off an old milk bottle without tearing it or throwing up) has always been sexing a beaver. Corder, however, was an expert beaver-sexer and had, from an early age (strangely on an exchange trip to a wheat farm in Canada), learnt that the key was that beavers (naturally because of their diets) always smell of fish. How he learnt that is probably not a suitable story for children so we shall leave it for the moment. Suffice it that Corder was always on the lookout for beavers. He passed Federal Agent 49 who was disguised as a liquidamber. “Evening, sir” said the shrub. “Evening, 49” said Corder. “What’s the goss?” “The children have been going down with the beavers and there is a report in from Immigration that Sir Alfred is back.”

“What?” shouted Corder. “The Queen must be told immediately. Keep a sharp eye out,” he said, over his shoulder as he rushed away.

“Rooted to the spot, sir,” said 49.

Meanwhile, at the Coalface, a short fussy little man with curly white hair was wondering whether he should ask a question. The Coleface itself was looking more flinty than ever. Things with the dwarf hadn’t gone well and even the boy Dweeb didn’t know anything. Well, you wouldn’t if nobody ever told you anything and you never asked. It was all terribly frustrating. There were literally thousands of emails, notes, files, warnings and alerts but no-one ever seemed to read anything or listen to anyone. “Thank goodness they’ve brought back University fees,” thought the grizzle-haired man. “You wouldn’t give this mob another free ride for quids. But,” he said out loud “if that’s the way it works, who’s running the place?”

Sir Alfred Deakin walked in. He had been dead for some time and was still in the terminal stages of Alzheimer’s disease. He had been resurrected by the diseased mind of an author who believed the Devil was a real presence and used to read a lot of Milton. To some extent, it was Sir Alfred regained, but, with the Alzheimer’s, he was able to regain and regain again and again without ever remembering where he’d regained from. He remained the scion of Liberalism and it did not matter to him that he did not recognize the House on the Hill or the beautiful colours of the Keating Retrospective. He was also spared the knowledge that the taxpayer was currently funding four ex-prime ministers (most of whom were reliant either on Medicare or a gentleman’s outfitter in New Orleans) and a Dwarf.

Sir Alfred strode through the land of Nadir as if World War I was just an idea that the Americans had had in 1917. He had always been a free-trader and believed deeply in unemployment for the working man. There was, of course, no internal logical consistency in holding Liberal views. He had never fully recovered from Higgins’ invention of the basic wage and he had returned to put things right.

Being dead, though, he had a certain ephemeral quality and was obliged to maintain fairly close relations with his old friend Madam Blavatsky.

Sir Alfred turned to the grizzle-haired man and said, “There’s this bloke in Bognor.”

“So that’s what George VI was on about,” the grizzle-headed man replied.

“Sir Alfred is back,” said Corder to the Queen. A dark stain started to form in the groin of the Dwarf.

“The scion of Liberalism,” said the Lady Jadis. “Fetch me back Alexander, I have plans.”

Just then, the sun broke through the clouds and the chill of winter lessened a moment.

“Corder,” said the Queen, “fetch also for me the Fruits of Office labeled ‘Wheat’.”

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416 thoughts on “The Scion, the Wheat, and the Cabinet – Chapter V

  1. kk
    It’s just massive cost shifting, nothing more. How would all that ‘handing back to the states’ save any money when the fed would have to give the states more to cover it all? And flogging off Defence Housing when it adds $1 billion a year to the budget? Madness.

  2. New buzz word. Competitive federalism or something. Feds put money up., States compete for it. Extra money yesterday for auto industry was a an example. Melbourne and SA to compete for it.

    They obviously going to deliver small government. So small, it verily exists. All is to be contracted out. Many more ICAC inquiries coming, one would think/

  3. Alternate realities really do exist or Greg Hunt is teling lies.

    Here’s comment on UNESCO’s draft decision on the Great Barrier Reef’s World Heritage status.

    UNESCO has recommended the committee consider adding the reef to the World Heritage in Danger list in 2015, unless the Government further protects the reef

    http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-05-01/unesco-decision-dredge-spoil-on-great-barrier-reef-condemned/5422802

    And
    http://www.cairnspost.com.au/news/cairns/unesco-sets-reef-deadline-for-federal-govt/story-fnjpusyw-1226901792556

    And here’s Grunt’s take on the draft decision – either he has read an entirely different report, he is telling huge porkies or he really is living in an alternate reality.

    Here is the report – it’s very long, 72 pages, I haven’t read it.
    http://awsassets.wwf.org.au/downloads/mo032_fight_for_the_reef_report_to_the_unesco_world_heritage_committee_30jan14.pdf

  4. What happened to the Newspoll that was due on Tuesday? Were the results so bad for the government that no-one was game to publish them?

  5. I always thought “Bro” was a bit of a modern term but from an article about a WWI soldier these bits in his letters home show it is not so modern and all that has changed is who you call bro.

    “Tell Mother not to bother and Father also, trusting all are well both at your house and also down at Mother’s. Wishing you all the best of health and luck. Your Loving Bro Sam.'”

    “All the letters are addressed ‘Dear Sister and Bro “

  6. Even I don’t think Newspoll would have published a poll taken over TWO long weekends, particularly with their preference for fixed line interviews. That said, I think there may be a poll or two coming up that News will want to hide. Or publish on page 26. Even then, it will have Shenanigans telling us that on the REAL measure *, Abbott is looking the goods. Winning on points. In a good position because Melbourne Cups aren’t won going past the post the first time. Or that premierships aren’t won in march or April. Playing the long game (where have I heard THAT one before). Allowing his policies to mature. Playing chess. His tux was at the cleaners. He had a flat tire. An old friend came in from out of town. There was an earthquake. Sorry, I morphed into the Blues Brothers there but you get the picture.

    * ie, the one that makes Abbott look the least worst

  7. There is a COAG meeting in Canberra tomorrow. Education was to be on the agenda. Now I’m hearing Abbott, at the last minute, has taken Gonski off the agenda. The state premiers are the only hope for keeping and implementing Gonski now, and how many of them will want to do that?. This morning we heard the Commission of Audit wants to cancel.Gonski completely. Public education in Australia is in for a caning.

  8. There is an interesting, well-written article on Joni Mitchell today in the Guardian.

    She is a person who has more talent and performance than all of Tony A’s crew rolled up into one.

    The article gives a link to a beautiful, poignant rendition of Both Side Now.

  9. BrianMc, nice link. Fridays alternate list will prove interesting. We all know which song will be there! FYI, I am also a BrianMc

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