The Warren Report

Guest Author Uncategorized

Today’s Guest Poster is our very own Puffy the Magic Dragon. It is – I hope – the start of a new series. Charge your glasses, fellow Pubsters, as we embark on a voyage of discovery!

(Image Credit: Watership-Down-Under)

Tithy snuggled down in his dark, cosy, clean-earth-scented bunk-room in the Great Southern Warren, twitching his rabbit ears for sounds of returning bunnies. He knew they had gone for a forage, looking for new patches of sweet plants to eat. Tithy stayed behind, resting with a headache. Thinking of eagles, and Willie, gave him migraines.

Tithy sighed loudly. It was hard being Top Rabbit. It was easier before he won the Big Count last season. Now everyone wanted everything sorted. They chattered throughout the night about how they needed new tunnels or how they did not like the new roster for tunnelling. Then there was Jinny who wanted to dig a new warren wing all for herself, even if it meant moving some of the Elders.

The kitchen staff kept complaining that the food supply was getting lower. But the young rabbits were too busy playing hide-and-seek because no-one was teaching them how to find the best food. All the older folk were not happy about doing daily food forages when the young ones were not learning anything, and they all expected him to fix it.

Tithy called for Mellie. She kindly shifted the cold compress between his ears, and said, ‘Tithy, my dear, you cannot stay here. Look at your stick-board. You have a visit to the hospital wing this afternoon, a session in the kitten nursery, and you are opening the new gym tomorrow morning. Remember your words, “A fit rabbit is a happy rabbit”.’

‘Yeah, yeah,’

Mellie boxed Tithy’s ears. ‘Are you listening to me? GET UP.’

‘OK, OK. But when do I get a holiday?’

‘You had one last month, remember – you spent a week, well two days actually, with the Elders on level five.’

‘I said holiday. Not work. If I claim travel carrots for it, it is not a holiday. We agreed on that in parley time.’

Mellie kicked Tithy right on his white tail. When he bounced back off the wall, he gave in, and whimpered, ‘I am up already, see. Where is everyone?’

‘Well, Slotto is waterboarding er bathing those rabbits who came down to the door of the warren saying they are running from a brushfire.’

Tithy replied, with a grimace, ‘They did smell of smoke but that could be a screen. Ha ha, Mellie. Smoke-screen. I made a joke. Smoke. Screen. Smoke-screen.’

She gave Tithy an indulgent smile. ‘Yes, dear.’

Meanwhile, out In The Bush, the foraging party came across some succulent wild melon plants. The green vines, huge leaves, and fat yellow melons nestling on the bank of the quiet creek were magnificent. They saw no less than ten melons, each the size of a rabbit’s hind leg.

The arguing started immediately. ‘Let’s chew off this one at the base and take it all back to the kitchen. Everyone will be thrilled. We will get a fern crown for sure,’ said Histo-Purr in his squeaky voice. His vocal cords had never quite grown up.

‘Don’t be a dunce, just take those nice ripe melons, they will make fantastic melon sauce to have with our mushroom bake. And when the next melon ripens we can get more. We can have melons all Warm Season!’ rejoiced Willie.

‘Aw, not you again, you always rabbit on so. Stopping us from our fun. We don’t need more later, there is always another plant. And don’t start on that grassfire nonsense. Three of our wise ones said it will never happen. We are listening to them!’ yelled Hoek as he pulled up the plant. ‘Come on guys, er and girlies, grab a vine and help me carry it home.’

(Image Credit: An American in Australia)

Tithy met them at the tunnel door. He waved a eucalyptus leaf back and forth in their honour, and led the foraging party down the tunnel to the parley room. All the rabbits were waiting. Top Rabbit Tithy proclaimed a holiday. (Except for the cleaners. And the female rabbits. Of course.)

‘See, I told you I had it all worked out. And look at our brave Forage Rabbits. They deserve a fern crown, and shall have one!’ (‘Except for Willie,’ he whispered to Mellie.)

Laura shouted very loudly, ‘But what about the smokey rabbits? That is three this week and two the week before. They say they had to hop fast from their warren as smoke was all over the place. They say it is getting hotter and windier on the plains and no grass is growing.’

Kindo spoke softly, ‘We should bring the smokey rabbits in here, give them some green tea and ask what happened. We need to know what might happen to our own warren.’

Morin jumped up. ‘This is a great warren, a safe warren. We have a great leader, our Tithy. Since he took over from Scarlet, you can see how much safer it is. We do not have to move. We have food and the dingos are far away. Nothing is going to happen to OUR home. These smokeys, they say there is no food in their plain. So they are coming here for OUR food, soon there will be enough plains rabbits to take over and throw us out. And those stories of smoke, they are lies, We all know plains rabbits are sneaks.’

Orda chimed in. ‘Yes, Laura and Morin are right. We must stop the plains rabbits. Drive them away. And anyone who does not want to help can get out!’

Not all the rabbits thumped in agreement but the ones who did thumped very loudly. The wet rabbits in the cells could feel it and wondered where the common rabbit-code had gone to in this strange warren.

Tithy raised his hand. ‘Now, now. Let me and my mini-stares think on the best thing to do. Just trust me.’ More enthusiastic thumping followed this proclamation. It went on and on because no-one wanted to be seen to be the first to stop. In the end, Mellie gave a throat slitting gesture and silence immediately prevailed.

Tithy, his day’s work done, settled in his bunk room to scratch out a speech to give at the kitten nursery. The smokey plains rabbits dripped water from their fur, way down in level 25, the one with the thickest walls.

The rabbit-brethren gathered for Melon Soup, and in the High Dining Room, the Top Rabbit and his Mini-Stares dined on sauté melon chunks and roasted melon root.

In a private tunnel, Willie and his followers met to plan.

‘The next Big Count is not for another six moon rises. This warren could fall in soon. Really collapse. No one is repairing the walls properly any more, there are leaks in the right quadrant and the roof is getting soft. Our young ones are not being taught how to burrow safely and no-one is looking after the old rabbits. And meanwhile Tithy just plays games and writes speeches. Willie has to win the next Big Count,’ said Tani-Ash. She was a wise rabbit.

Willie stroked the ground with his foot, and smiled his usual calm smile.

‘Just remember that song, my friends. Run Tithy, run.’

(Image Credit: Animalzfun)

396 thoughts on “The Warren Report”

  2. The SAS documentary isn’t going to air. It’s an instalment of a three part series first launched in 2012. To view it you have to buy the DVD.

  4. Spain’s organ donation figures are currently 36 donations per every one million people which is “much higher” than the EU average (19.6) and the US average (26.6) according to a statement released by Spain’s Health Ministry.

    Spain broke its own record in 2014 carrying out a total of 4,360 transplant operations from 1,682 donations. It means that 17 percent of all the organs donated in Europe and six percent of those donated globally came from Spain, which remains well ahead of other countries when it comes to donation numbers.

    http://www.thelocal.es/20150902/spain-breaks-its-own-transplant-record-to-remain-global-leader

  5. CTar1

    Air NZ used to have a pit stop there on the way to L.A. as well . Had very much the same experience as you. back then Except it was at night and everything was closed so not even a beer. I was one of many surprised passengers seeing the SOP at this “international” airport seemed to involve passengers milling about the plane or having a lay down on the grass by the runway. Bloody grass turned out to be teeming with bitey ants !

  6. from crikey

    Democracy to the people. Victorian Senator Ricky Muir, like the little V8 that could, is continuing in his efforts to be a senator for the people, updating his website to include a form where people can tell him how to vote on particular bills. It’s a nice gesture, but we especially love the answer options for “have you conducted your own research on the bill?”. How many politicians would answer either “no, but I had someone explain it to me” or “no, I have relied on a lobby group, issue campaign or political party”?

  8. The Idiot really, really needs to stop talking about Nazis. Not being an arrogant prick would be a good idea too.

    Jewish backlash after Tony Abbott says Islamic State terrorists are worse than the Nazis

    Australia’s peak Jewish group has rounded on Prime Minister Tony Abbott for suggesting Islamic State terrorists are in some ways worse than the Nazis.
    Executive Council of Australian Jewry president Robert Goot said Mr Abbott’s comparison of the Islamic State and Nazi Germany was “injudicious and unfortunate”.

    But hours later Mr Abbott said: “I stand [by] what I said, not by the interpretation that other people might want to put on it.”

    http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/jewish-backlash-after-tony-abbott-says-islamic-state-terrorists-are-worse-than-the-nazis-20150903-gje2el.html

  11. I have an animal story…It was told to me by my brother a number of years ago . He was the “Daniel-down-the-road”..and he witnessed (or was later told..and you may doubt this tale..but I’m telling you…) the whole sordid tale !..But wait…I don’t want to do a “spoiler”.

    It went like this..:

    Serena Kills the Rooster.

    But you gotta got to “The Lounge Bar” (the depository…) to read more.

  14. About those marginal electorates, NE …

    Tasmanian arts organisations will fold and festivals will be cancelled as a result of changes to federal arts funding, a Senate inquiry has been told.

    The May federal budget included a transfer of $105 million from the Australia Council to a new fund, the National Program for Excellence in the Arts (NPEA).

    http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-09-03/tasmanian-arts-bodies-in-danger-of-folding-without-more-funding/6747304

  15. I leave ” The Pub” Into the more than capable hands to Fiona backed up by Bushfirebill .
    Back in Plan is 6 weeks but can change. Maybe back in 2 or stay for 12 depending on how we feel

    I expect the polls to be at least 55/45 upon my return .
    Good luck pubsters

  16. Hole-digger extraordinary

    Asked later whether he should have spoken more carefully, Abbott said: “I’m not in the business of ranking evil, but I do make this point, that unlike previous evil-doers, whether we’re talking about Stalin, Hitler or whoever that tried to cover up their evil, this wretched death cult boasts about it.”

    http://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2015/sep/03/tony-abbott-defends-comparison-between-isis-and-nazis-after-criticism

  20. There must have been some interesting “assertions”

    “Someone asked earlier, ‘How many billboards do you have?’ ” he said. “Labor doesn’t have billboards. We have ideas for the future of Canning.”

    The dearth of Labor campaign advertising has at least saved it from the fate of one of Hastie’s mobile billboards, which greeted Thursday morning commuters on Armadale Road with the new slogan of “fuck Tony Abbott” and other, more offensive, assertions.

  24. kk

    Had very much the same experience as you. back then Except it was at night and everything was closed so not even a beer.

    Air NZ flight? They possibly closed the bar just for that.

  25. Just the sort of bloke we want high up in Their AFP

    A 2008 report by retired New South Wales judge John Clarke found Indian-born doctor Mohamed Haneef was wrongly charged and detained for a month in Brisbane in 2007, over suspected links to terrorist acts in the UK.

    Clarke found the investigation into Haneef had been coloured by the perception he was fleeing Australia when he tried to fly to Bangalore, India, on 2 July 2007 to seek support from his family.

    The then AFP commander Jabbour had become suspicious about Haneef and “lost objectivity”, Clarke said.

    Though a dedicated and capable officer, Jabbour had been “unable to see that the evidence he regarded as highly incriminating in fact amounted to very little”.

    http://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2015/sep/03/officer-criticised-in-mohamed-haneef-case-made-afp-deputy-commissioner

  28. That Andrew Hastie billboard is on a Victorian registered truck. God the Libs no nuffink.
    Sandgropers are very xenophobic and hate Poms and bloody Victorians i.e. 40% of the population

  31. To Joe6pack and Mrs 6pack,

    Have a wonderful time and remember: becoming middle-aged should be done disgracefully.

  32. joe6pack

    Have a great time while you are away. Expect full report on your return.

    Billie

    Have you got a link for Sen Ricky Muir’s website please.

    tlbd

    So, how long is it going to take for you to fill us in on the goss on your lunch date?

  35. The Andrew Hastie billboard –

    ”Not Another Politican’. As in ‘Oh No, Not Another Politician!’? Or ‘Sigh. Not ANOTHER Politican’.

    Whoever chose that slogan is a Grade A dill.

  39. He is a tragicomedy all on his own and none of the comedians are letting him off

    Prime Minister Tony Abbott has issued a statement to extremist militant group ISIS urging them to adopt the trademark subtlety and humility of Nazi Germany.

    “Say what you will about Nazi Germany, they weren’t about pomp and ceremony,” Mr Abbott told reporters. “I’m sure most of the world didn’t even know they were up to no good at the time.

    “With the clarity of hindsight it’s obvious to us, but the low key manner in which they invaded and occupied a large portion of Europe probably flew well under the radar for a large portion of Europe.

    http://www.sbs.com.au/comedy/article/2015/09/03/prime-minister-urges-isis-become-subtle-and-humble-nazis

  41. The Age getting stuck in

    More than nine in 10 domestic seafarers will lose their jobs if the Abbott government’s plan to relax shipping regulations passes Parliament, research suggests.

    Less than 100 seafarers would remain in employment out of a current workforce of 1177, according to a report written by the Australia Institute, based on government documents supporting its Shipping Legislation Amendment Bill.

    The dire forecast comes as a major Bass Strait freight company, SeaRoad, warned it will reconsider a $100 million investment in two new cargo vessels if the government pushes ahead and dumps rules that force foreign vessels to pay their crew Australian wages while working domestic routes.

    http://www.theage.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/abbott-government-shipping-changes-will-sink-1000-jobs-research-20150903-gjejbl.html

  42. New York Times editorial

    Some European officials may be tempted to adopt the hard-line approach Australia has used to stem a similar tide of migrants. That would be unconscionable.

    Prime Minister Tony Abbott has overseen a ruthlessly effective effort to stop boats packed with migrants, many of them refugees, from reaching Australia’s shores. His policies have been inhumane, of dubious legality and strikingly at odds with the country’s tradition of welcoming people fleeing persecution and war.

    http://www.nytimes.com/2015/09/03/opinion/australias-brutal-treatment-of-migrants.html?_r=0

  43. Fiona

    The pear looks mouthwatering, forget the redwine icecream.

    tlbd

    Glad you had a good time. It’s funny, when we met Fiona, we barely mentioned politics, but the time just flew.

  47. Abbott..: ” “With the clarity of hindsight it’s obvious to us, but the low key manner in which they invaded and occupied a large portion of Europe probably flew well under the radar for a large portion of Europe.” ”

    and to think they gave a drongo like this a pass at Oxford ??..There goes IT’S reputation!!

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