If Malcolm B Duncan were still alive, I’d be asking him to direct his attention to Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There. As – unfortunately for us – he is now seated at the heavenly bar with Tom Lewis (when Claude the White Persian isn’t trying to resume its rightful position on the Leather Armchair), we will simply have to endure another excursion to the Land of Nadir …
(Image Credit: Steppin’ Up)
As the three, Peter, Amanda and Little Lucy, walked along warily with the Beavers, their feet became increasingly wet in the burgeoning slush as the snow melted around them – a bit like Good King Wenceslas without the Page, thought Amanda to herself. Peter was walking with a funny gait, having had the Field Marshal’s baton which he had always carried in his back pocket wedged firmly up his … well as this is a children’s story, let’s just say that sitting down was now a painful process, made all the more galling by the fact that it had been an own goal.
Further into the Land of Nadir, the Dwarf and the White Queen were gaining on the children as they came closer to the teak table. Ruddock, now incarnated magically as a wolf, loped along beside them, fondly recalling the interview he had sat in on with Mr Patel. Why the boss was having renovations done when Patel wasn’t even in residence remained a mystery to him, but he supposed at least it meant that Patel couldn’t object to the DA. Corder was off somewhere doing whatever it was that Corder did.
In a fashion which need not be described but could only happen in a magical land, the Lady Jadis had become aware through Alexander of a scheme to supply Australian wheat to the land of Nadir. A huge amount of it was now available as a result of a shooting incident in a place called Mesopotamia or something like that – and the terms were extremely favourable.
A scheme had been devised by Little Johnnie, the Cabinet Secretary, the Head of Treasury and a frighteningly clever accountant – the modern Nugget Coombs, A W Board. It was top secret and known only to its devisers as quadruple entry book-keeping whereby the wheat deal could go ahead to everybody’s advantage. As a young solicitor, Little Johnnie hadn’t really understood double-entry book-keeping and he’d left the running of the trust account largely to the book-keeper but this new system looked – well – almost too good to be true. Mr Board would supply the wheat to the Lady Jadis, who would then pay for it twice-over by way of Fruits of Office. Half the Fruits of Office went to Mr Board (after the deduction of a handling fee) and half went to Little Johnnie who could then offload them on office holders, friends etc., at whatever he could get for them. A number of boards were already interested and suddenly retirement was starting to become an attractive short-term option on his horizon. He’d even put in a DA on the house. Because it was an offshore deal, there was no taxable supply and no GST. The Lady Jadis sold the wheat in Nadir for faery gold which she then stored in a pot at the end of a Swiss rainbow in Jeanette’s name.
Mr Board’s crucial role, however, was to ensure that no-one was ever told about the scheme or knew anything about it. He was vastly experienced in these things, having already been sent on trade missions about which he knew nothing to places as far afield as Mesopotamia and Persia. Little Johnnie thought it was a pity that we didn’t have Imperial Honours any more, because Mr Board definitely deserved a knighthood for this one. The Treasury Secretary said it would be sufficient reward to put him on the Board of the ABC and make him a Governor of the Reserve Bank. Mr Board liked that idea very much as he hadn’t been sacked as a CEO for a long time and could do with the cash. He wondered whether the job at Telstra might be coming up. It should be, he thought – they’d appointed the last one months ago.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the cabinet, there was terrible trouble brewing because of some documents that had fallen off the back of a trolley in the Federal Court. The Coalface was flintier than ever, as a consequence of which Mr Board had been asking about the possibility of a position with Macquarie Bank. The last one had been taken by an actor named Booth who did incredible impersonations of Abraham Lincoln. His wife never liked the plays, though. That didn’t really matter, because it wasn’t actually his wife he was interested in.
Back in the land of Nadir, Sir Alfred Deakin was giving himself some advice (he had been Attorney-general, after all) and he thought, on balance, that there had to be some accounting. Unfortunately, he couldn’t count so he wandered quietly into the Otherworld and looked up Sir Garfield at the Club. Sir Garfield couldn’t count either, which was why he’d gone bankrupt although it wasn’t really his fault but, as this is a children’s story, we don’t really have to discuss the vexed question of whether barristers can continue to practice after they’ve been bankrupted. As they were pondering what to do, a terrible thing happened: Red Ted Theodore walked into the Club bold as brass as though he were a member. Before the shocked assembly at the bar could call for him to be thrown out Sir Alfred suddenly had a brilliant idea: if anyone could count it was Red Ted. In fact, if he remembered correctly, Red Ted could count to 12 just using his fingers. To avoid the inevitable nasty incident, Sir Alfred threw his arms around Red Ted and said, “Sir Edward, how delightful to see you. Will you take a little air on the terrace, and a pint of porter? I keenly want to seek your views on Wheat.”
THE PUB 
kk
“Barbecana”
http://architizer.com/blog/this-game-turns-the-barbican-into-a-battlefield/
Here is the body of a promotional email I got today from a woodworking business, that is a supplier of woodworking tools to the small business, hobbyist, and home crafter.
I have left off the address so they don’t get trolled by RwNJs.
Tomorrow at the Royal Commission – “George Pell, This is Your Life”.
http://www.theage.com.au/national/cardinal-pell-was-advised-to-remove-priest-over-abuse-20140820-106b1w.html
http://i100.independent.co.uk/article/these-are-the-10-funniest-jokes-at-the-edinburgh-fringe–eJvnK014mx
CTar1
May play that game looks interesting.
Lord Ted still going strong on the forum?
Yes, those Crikey articles are paywalled (or free trial), but you can go straight to the original docs in the PDF link below. Download for future reference? Crikey have made good use out of them. Mumbrella article at the bottom is free, worth a look for News’ response.
Click to access DOC.pdf
http://www.crikey.com.au/2014/08/20/exclusive-secret-documents-show-news%E2%80%99-australian-papers-dragging-down-the-empire/
Exclusive docs show News’ Australian papers dragging down the empire
Paddy Manning | Aug 20, 2014 1:57PM | EMAIL | PRINT
Leaked documents show a forest of brackets in News Corp’s Australian newspapers, with The Australian particularly in the red. How long can the house that Rupert built sustain such body blows?
http://www.crikey.com.au/2014/08/20/how-the-australian-was-protected-from-the-cuts/
How The Australian was protected from the cuts
Paddy Manning and Myriam Robin | Aug 20, 2014 1:57PM
Secret documents reveal News Corp is bleeding money, with The Australian in the worst shape. But Rupert’s favourite plaything seems to have been inoculated against the staff and budget cuts that hit the company’s other assets. Paddy Manning and Myriam Robin report.
http://www.crikey.com.au/2014/08/20/a-sea-of-red-news-corp-advertising-fell-320-million-in-2012-13/
A sea of red: News Corp advertising fell $320 million in 2012-13
Glenn Dyer | Aug 20, 2014 1:57PM
From sex to banking, computers to communications, almost every single industry reduced its ad spend with News Corp in 2012-13, secret documents reveal.
http://www.crikey.com.au/2014/08/20/one-year-on-eureka-report-was-no-golden-goose-for-news-corp/
One year on, Eureka Report was no golden goose for News Corp
Myriam Robin and Paddy Manning | Aug 20, 2014 1:58PM
News Corp paid a cool $30 million for Alan Kohler’s business websites in 2012. But with Business Spectator and Eureka Report costing money, did News overpay?
A year after being acquired by News Corp, Business Spectator cost the company $2.5 million despite pulling in revenues of $3.4 million. Its stablemate Eureka Report added only $671,000 in operating income.
http://mumbrella.com.au/leaked-news-corp-documents-show-australian-newspapers-dragging-uk-us-operation-246198
Leaked News Corp documents show financial state of its Australian newspapers.
6Pack
Bolt Esq. is as ever.
http://andrewelder.blogspot.com/2014/08/dont-blame-amanda-vanstone.html
http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/aug/20/countering-violent-extremism-program-funding-not-renewed-in-budget
http://www.themandarin.com.au/disability-scheme-track-high-satisfaction-reported/
http://www.themandarin.com.au/ourabc-half-channel-uber-platform/
Tone must have heard this part of the British national anthem (nod to QI)
CTar1
I tried the Tim Vine’s hoover joke on the missus, all I got was a ho hum and a you smart arse type comment. I guess you had to be there eh!
That pic of Abbott and Brandis together….talk about walking toward the trash-bin of history. Two very “small” people in a very big game.
CK
I liked his 2010 winning effort as well
“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”
😀
Sorry. They just are not funny :grump:
No idea what Newell can contribute but there are a couple of promising ones …
Click to access Witness%20List.pdf
They should get Marvin the paranoid android to do the jokes.
Tlbd,
Attached please find our newest “Be-Happy” infusion.
By return post
Sorry to be a grump but if those ‘jokes’ are the 10 best then the rest must have been really, really awful. They just aren’t funny.
Right up there with:
When’s a door not a door? When it’s a jar.
Let’s face it..there hasn’t been a decent joke since the 1970’s !
Drums along the Mersey, anyone?
http://www.theguardian.com/media/2014/aug/20/news-corp-australia-leaked-accounts-show-1000-jobs-cut-across-mastheads
Chadfield now on 7.5. Space bloke.
Who was the comedian who said that when he was young he told his family that when he grows up he wants to become a comedian…” and they all laughed at me!……well….they’re not laughing now!”
CTar1
“Barbecana”. A chance to really upgrade your flat !
” Chadfield now on 7.5. Space bloke.”…is he accompanied by the pr#ck ; Uhlmann?
Toolman asks the God question. Hadfield answers as an atheist.
Bad luck, Toolperson!
jaycee,
Our current government is a joke. Not very funny, but.
Julia Zemiro with the latest Whosit. For anyone remotely interested.
ABC.
Monkhouse.
Those jokes are smalltime compared to the top 18 jokes of Australia – Tony Abbott’s cabinet. Although they’re all jokes gone too far.
jaycee,
C Hadfield was on the big screen. Toolman was on a chair.
Could have been a rocking horse. We’ll never know.
Still don’t see what the problem was with Palmer’s statement.
The Chinese government ultimately majority-owns Citic. They ARE Communist. The DO shoot people (someone up-thread said 4,000 per year… that we know about) and, one way or another, it’s not too fine a stretch to argue they want to take over Australia (who wouldn’t, with our golden sandy beaches and big juicy steaks? Compared to these, crocodiles, Great White sharks, Death Adders and Funnel Web spiders are a mere distraction… just don’t step on any).
Any other time – like when Julia Gillard was PM – types like Barnarby Joyce were warning us about the threat to our agricultural land posed by Chinese government-run takeovers of sheep and cattle stations. And let’s not forget everyone whingeing about Chinese buyers forcing up the price of houses in the suburbs.
The furore over Palmer’s remarks is reminiscent of how they heckled Gillard for her clamp-down on 457 visas, saying it was “racist”. No it wasn’t. It was simply preserving Australian jobs for Australians, against the threat of non-Australian, low-paid ring-ins coming here to snaffle them away.
I must say, though, that the Chinese as a foreign threat are nothing right now compared to that other malignant foreigner, Rupert Murdoch, who is steadily buying up, not the farm, but governments wholesale in his quest to make his last redoubt of Australia slightly more comfortable for himself and his extended clan of dopey children.
bb
did you read that email I got, posted above. It was very surprising to see even a slight complaint against Abbott in such a communication. the previous Canberra wood show must really have been affected.People must have stopped buying new power and hand tools.
I liked him in “The Thick of It”…funny as..but then I have a soft side for damn good abuse…….but it’s gotta be good!!
Puffy, no one is buying anything anymore. Take it from one who is a providor to the dilettantish elites.
BB,
I think the comment about no judicial system might have a bit insensitive.
Then, of course, …
I once had an ambition of writing four foolscap pages of continuous abuse of john Howard (he was then PM.). I intended to set it in a front bar, with the tele going there above the bar and J.W.H. comes on the screen mumbling his usual bullshit and there is a solemn air in the bar (working class) and one bloke quietly says to the image on the screen..: “Bastard”..then after a short time another says a bit louder..”turd”…and on it goes…up and down in volume, soft and hard in abuse , sometimes pure crass, sometimes pure poetry..then shifts to different languages and variants thereof…slowly building in crescendo for four pages until, exhausted and weary and tired with all the venom spat….there is silence…then one lone voice says the last word…: C..T!
I am changing my mind about Utopia.
ICAC and Newcastle got a good going over. Very understated and, therefore, very funny.
I don’t know who the lady with the black hair is but she has a ripper role.
The role of sanity.
I thought it had possibilities!
The abuse, not Utopia….But Utopia is good, very good!…I like it.
When it’s not your time to go then it’s not your time to go – – –
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K72tr8KpAbA
There was a few familiar faces from Hollowmen on there.
Not directed at anyone at The Pub.
I’m re-reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix at the moment (can’t tackle difficult stuff when it’s teaching time).
This is what you need Fiona..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCm33IQTX3E
I just love the music at the ending of that song!
Jaycee,
Frozen orange juice when the temperature in my study is 12C???
Nevertheless, ah ‘preciate the kind thought.
We are watching old black and whites of Laurel and Hardy films on TCM on Fox. They still are as funny as ever, These must have been the ones they used records in the cinema for the dialogue.
Just for fun.