Need some relief from the insanity on steroids of the current régime? Let’s return to the kinder, gentler world of John Howard’s Australia, with the next two chapters of Malcolm B Duncan’s historical satire.
(Image Credit: WikiNarnia))
The Chronicles of Nadir
As told from the grave by Tom Lewis
Tale the First
The Scion, the Wheat and the Cabinet
Chapters VI and VII
Alexander had wandered away from the other children in search of the Fruits of Office. He supposed that the most likely way of satisfying what had by now become an almost insatiable craving was to find where the Queen lived. He had a notion that he would find her house in the electorate of Bennelong and had walked and walked and walked.
Eventually, he came to a spacious bungalow which appeared to be the one. There was a real estate agent’s sign out the front: “Khemlani Realty ‘Leased’.” Alexander did not quite understand but he suspected he would not find the Queen in. What he did find was a small Pakistani-looking gentleman kneeling on what appeared to be some sort of a mat. The man leaned forward and touched his forehead to the mat mumbling something which seemed to be directions to Allawah. Alexander knew it required three changes of train.
The man stood.
“I say,” said Alexander, “you don’t happen to know where the White Lady is, do you?”
“I’m only renting,” the man replied. “We’ve just been released from Baxter but Mr Khemlani tells me the owners moved to Kirribilli House years ago.”
It was then that Alexander noticed the yard was full of statues most of which seemed reminiscent of former Liberal frontbenchers so lifelike that it was as if they had been turned to stone just to get them out of the way. There were a few scattered Nationals as well but, really, Stone didn’t do the medium justice.
Meanwhile, or, in the interim, as Mr Hunter was fond of saying at school (Alexander had had to look “interim” up), the Dwarf, the Lady Jadis and the phlegmatic Corder had returned from the Land of Nadir and resumed their normal appearance. Little Johnnie and Jeanette were taking tea on the terrace.
“Now, dear,” said Little Johnnie, “I don’t want you to think that anyone told me anything or that I know anything or that I’d be able to give evidence about it or anything like that but I had a dream last night about a bloke in Bognor. He told me, but only in the dream, you understand – so I don’t really know anything – but he said we had an enormous amount of surplus wheat and there’s this place called Nadir which is an incredibly wealthy magical land which has no wheat at all but is desperate for it – wheat, that is, ruled by a really nice lady, and if we were to make it worth her while, if you know what I mean, which you don’t really because I don’t know anything to mean anything anyway, we could fix the current account and have enough to live like kings and queens in the Land of Nadir.”
“We’ve got quite enough queens in Oxford Street,” Janette replied.
“Yes, but the point is, dear, that we could all be rich.”
“Let me get this straight: you have a dream about some geezer from Bognor,” Janette paused.
“Bugger Bognor,” said Little Johnnie. “It’d be an economic miracle – the Big End of Town would love us. The Party coffers would be full…”
“Then,” interrupted Jeanette, “You bribe some foreign potentate to buy our wheat.”
“Not bribe, dear. There would naturally be shipping and land transport costs, handling fees and the like. We could do it all using f.o.b. contracts through that $2 company in Fyshwick.”
“The one that sells the manacles?” asked Janette.
“That’s the one – very reliable, very discreet people, completely sound,” said Little Johnnie proudly.
“But what about the Wizengamot ban on exports to magical countries?” asked Jeanette.
“No one told me,” said Little Johnnie, “Never heard of it.”
Just then, Alexander appeared around the corner of the terrace, closely shadowed by Corder who had drawn his pistol – he hadn’t been pleased to see him.
“I caught this talking to a terrorist,” said Corder.
“Speak, Boy,” commanded Janette.
“It wasn’t a terrorist. It was a Mr Patel – he’s just been released from Baxter and he and his family have finally got Newstart and a rental allowance and family benefits and they’re living in a lovely house.” Here, Alexander gave an address which for privacy reasons, national security concerns and the fact that this is a children’s story we cannot mention.
Jeanette exploded. “That idiot Khemlani has rented the House to Pakis.”
“There, there, dear,” soothed Little Johnnie, “I’ll get Ruddock onto it right away.”
“You don’t know anything about Fruits of Office, do you?” asked Alexander greedily.
“I don’t know anything about anything,” said Little Johnnie. “No-one tells me anything at all. There’s this bloke in Bognor.”
“Bugger Bognor,” said Jeanette. “Corder, release the child. I have plans for it. Johnnie, is that Teak Table Keating bought still in the Lodge?” Turning to Alexander, she said, smiling sweetly, “Do you like teak, Boy?”
“I’ve heard about that table,” said Alexander. “It cost a fortune, didn’t it?”
Quickly Little Johnnie jumped in to demonstrate his complete mastery of the economy. “It was so expensive that the Reserve had to increase interest rates to 17% to take the heat out of the economy. But interest rates will always be higher under Labor [sic].”
“We all know that; we voted on it,” said Janette testily. “Now, young man, come with me and I’ll show you the lovely Teak Table.”
As they walked, hand-in-hand, Janette could be heard saying, “And do you know anything about shipping wheat?”
* * * * * * * * *
Nadir being a magical land, strange things were apt to happen on its periphery where it intersected the space-time continuum near the place we know as Canberra, the home of the House on the Hill or, rather, in it.
Almost on the edge of Nadir, in one such place, there was a public toilet block in Goulburn Memorial Park just by the rose garden. Known as the Four Thrones (obviously because of its configuration) it had been the undoing of more than one Bishop of Nadir and was often frequented by local police dressed in fishnet stockings – and there are few things more fearsome to behold than a lesbian in fishnets. (One of those things was Alexander in fishnets. Of course, he only ever dressed up as a joke or possibly because, through some misfortune, he had been born in Adelaide.)
While Jeanette was discussing with Alexander logistic arrangements for the shipping of the wheat surplus to the Land of Nadir completely unbeknownst to Little Johnnie, Little Johnnie, in turn, was consulting with Ruddock over what was to become known as the Khemlani gaffe,
After a brief discussion which neither Little Johnnie nor Ruddock clearly remembered because it was never minuted, Ruddock gathered together a crack team of ASIO agents, Federal Police, and Department of Immigration operatives and made it clear that, whatever happened, Amanda must never be told and the new NO EMAIL protocol developed quickly one afternoon at the Coalface was to be strictly implemented. Anything that was written down was to be swallowed immediately in accordance with the Government’s view that, the way things were going, Australian citizens wou ld swallow anything.
When this group reached the Former Matrimonial Home, Mr Patel was again out the front with his strange mat, an atlas and a compass. “Drop those,” said Ruddock. “You’re under arrest.”
“What precisely are you meaning?” asked a confused Mr Patel.
“Can’t tell you. Grab him, lads,” said Ruddock.
“Why?” uttered a now clearly frightened Mr Patel.
“Can’t tell you. Search him,” Ruddock said to a large ASIO man who was putting on a surgical glove.
“Strip!” ordered the ASIO man.
“But why?” asked Mr Patel. “What am I supposed to be doing to deserving this treatment from your esteemed selves?”
“Can’t tell you. Now, get the gear off, Paki.”
He then unceremoniously de-bagged Mr Patel and shoved his hand … Well, since this is a children’s story let it suffice that the search was very thorough. When Mr Patel regained consciousness, the crack team was bundling him into the boot of an unmarked Volkswagen Beetle.
“What about my prayer mat?” implored the quivering refugee.
“Probably a bomb,” said Ruddock.
“But I want a lawyer,” said Mr Patel.
“Know someone with a security clearance pursuant to s 39 of the National Security Information (Criminal & Civil Proceedings) Act 2004?” enquired Ruddock.
“No,” said Mr Patel.
“Tough. Take him away, lads.”
“But my wife and children …” said Mr Patel pathetically.
“Can’t talk to anyone,” said Ruddock
“But they will not be knowing what has happened to me.”
“This bastard’s read the Act,” said Ruddock to the crack team. “Clearly we’ve got the right bloke. Take him away.”
Strange things were also happening elsewhere on the edge of the Land of Nadir, this time where it intersected the otherworld. Sir Alfred Deakin, being dead, could drift in and out at will. Just now he was at the bar in the High Court Retirement Home for Deceased Knights of the Realm and Other Former Sitting Members of The Court. Since Sir Alfred had been the Attorney who introduced the Judiciary Act, he was a frequent guest. As usual he was holding forth in true barristerial fashion, telling the one about the Key to the Arch of the Federation. Sir Garfield Barwick, as bored by the speech as the first time he had read it, threw another stack of Income Tax Assessments on the fire. As each one caught, he muttered “Bastards!” to himself. Sir Owen Dixon was at the other end of the bar reading to anyone who would listen (although no-one did any more) from an article describing him as the greatest jurisprudential mind ever to grace a bench anywhere. It needs to be said though, that the article had been written by an academic. “Tell us about the separation of powers then, Owen,” said Sir Hayden Starke with thinly veiled contempt.
In a well-stuffed armchair by the fire, Sir Frank Kitto (who actually had been the finest jurisprudential mind ever to sit on the bench) was reading the latest edition of Meagher, Heydon and Leeming. It just wasn’t the same without John Lehane’s humanizing influence although the line about the soi-disant musicians had survived Heydon’s clinical treatment.
Eddie McTiernan was at the TAB window still trying to back I Agree With The Chief Justice (always a mouthful for the callers) in the third at Caulfield. As had happened so often before, The Chief (as the gelding was known) was odds-on. Meanwhile, Lionel Murphy was out on the lawn looking after a few little mates. Had he realized at the time of his appointment that because the House Rules had been drawn up exclusively by people with knighthoods, his refusal to be knighted in accordance with tradition would mean that he was perpetually required to use the tradesman’s’ entrance, he may have reconsidered and we might have been saved a lot of looney left-wing biographies by insane feminist fans. As it was, he was making the best of things and was keenly awaiting the arrival of Gaudron and McHugh. He had been stashing away a vast array of grog under the back stairs in anticipation of the celebration.
Sir Alfred finished the speech for the umpteenth time and decided to drift back to the Land of Nadir. He had a strange premonition that involved the use of the notorious Teak Table and he could feel an overwhelming sense of personal sacrifice coming on. Apart from that, there was one persistent thing he couldn’t get off his mind: wheat.
THE PUB 
Fair enough, leone.
Here is a mouse eating a mousse:
Just HOW is the Medicare co-payment supposed to ‘fix’ the problem and make Medicare sustainable when the money goes into Abbott’s research/make Amgen rich fund and not into the Medicare budget?
Why won’t anyone ask him that?
Dutton’s face: a shiny balloon with slits for eyes, mouth and nostrils – all blowing out bubbles – and two tiny rhino’s ears.
I was never going to say this, it’s not polite, but as Dutton is lying his arse off to the NPC he’s fair game. For ages every time I see Dutton I think of Mr Hankey. There is quite a resembalnce, except Mr Hankey is smart and has a personality. Dutton isn’t smart and has less personality than a dead pet rock. If you are not familiar with this South Park character then look him up.
leone
I just looked it up. Mr Hankey seems very friendly and vibrant … I can see some resemblance but only when Mr Hankey doesn’t smile. Like here:
gigilene
The problem is Mr Hankey always wears a Santa hat. Take away the hat and voila! Dutton!
The Liberals did have a real Mr Hanke at one point, Leone. Noted as head of the Liberal’s Dirt Unit, I think he beat up some of the stories through talk radio and the media regarding Latham’s Bucks Night. Later he went on to being James Hird’s PR man. So Ian Hanke’s career has been less than glorious so far, but he probably earns a bit.
Dutton probably does fit well with Mr Hankey, except that he’s quite a bit duller than the South Park character.
Seriously now –
From Crikey. It’s locked, so i’ll post most of it. The transcript of yesterday’s estimates hearing has not yet been made available.
Asylum seeker lifeboats fail safety standards, says regulator
http://www.crikey.com.au/2014/05/28/asylum-seeker-lifeboats-fail-safety-standards-says-regulator/
Tanya is all class
Abbott kicks off QT by repeating his lie – there has been no $80 billion cut to states funding for education and health.
That’s funny, the premiers think there has beeen and they were so angry about it they had a meeeting in Sydney just after budget day to work out what they could do. Abbott refused to meet with them.
Premiers demand Abbott meet them, insisting he has got his budget facts wrong
http://theconversation.com/premiers-demand-abbott-meet-them-insisting-he-has-got-his-budget-facts-wrong-26854
Just wondering if qt is a repeat from yesterday because if not all the libs do is ask the same questions, they just ask in different ways
obione
It’s all they have, the same questions over and over, every day, so the same ministers can stand up and repeat the same old lies in their answers.
The very devout moron Andrews sort of lost it when answering Jenny Macklin’s question….he is just another who can’t take ridicule….In angry mode, his odd-shaped mouth is enhanced so that he looks like an old man who has forgotten to put in his dentures, leaving a flapping mouth like a fish out of water.
I didn’t know about this until just now – Dutton is a pig and his wife is – well, I won’t say what I think about her. These Liberals have weird senses of ‘humour’.
ww.adelaidenow.com.au/news/opinion/samantha-maiden-senate-numbers-simply-dont-add-up-for-abbott-and-duttons-planned-7-doctor-copayment/story-fni6unxq-1226921188582
Turnbull – pompous and pretentious … And then we’ll have his wife on Q&A promoting him.
I really think Andrews, Hockey and Abbott wanted to get rid of the Pension Supplement but were too dumb to understand the difference between it and the Seniors Supplement, which most certainly has been axed. Hockey showed little understanding of the difference when he was on Q&A. Andrews has managed to work out what each payment is for, but he is lying about pensions. Yes, they will continue to increase with twice yearly indexation, but the increases will soon be subject to the passage of new legisaltion each time rather than automatic, as the increases are now. It would be all too easy for this government to decide to knock back a couple of rounds of indexation and use the money for more important things like buying ponies for Liberal MPs’ teenage daughters orpaying for chanpagne for their own personal in-office use.
John Lord at The Australian Independent Media:
Read on:
http://theaimn.com/2014/05/28/is-abbott-a-christian-or-just-a-catholic/
leonetwo
Perhaps Kirilly gave it to him as a reminder of who is the boss 😉
Funny isn’t it that this govt of incompetence and deceit, is suddenly enamoured with the former Labor Government lead by the ‘great’ Bob Hawke….Shorten would do well to tell the Parliament and the voters of Australia that they are constantly referring to Bob Hawke because there is no leader on the LNP side of politics who can match the achievements of the Hawke/Keating government, or in fact, any other Labor government.
Is the nutcracker near the balls Nicola gave him?
I think Julia still has those balls in her safe.
leonetwo
I think Julia has used them to replace the fluffy dice hanging from the rear view mirror.
Julie Bitchop in full flight.
Mr. Billious doing his best to present an oration – useless dolt.
Amazing how he turns things around to his advantage. He keeps on saying that any of his changes are actually Labor’s changes because of Labor’s “debt”.
Australia Post won’t be sold. Good. Still a backflip though.
Leone
Has anyone done a ‘How pensioners fared’ in the budget, like they did with families?
Gigilene,
Yes, it is the way all bullies control their victims. The abbott is a master of that art.
2gravel
I don’t know. Someone must have done something. I usually don’t bother with the MSM summaries because they never give the whole picture. I prefer to work it out for myself. There has also been a fair bit of misinformation out there, like the pension supplement being cancelled nonsense.
There must have been quite a backlash though, because the government is pushing the ‘pensions will keep increasing’ line as hard as they can while ignoring the fact that pensions won’t increase as much as they now do. Unless, of course, the government’s plans are knocked back by the senate. I’m not going to start worrying about what happens to my pension until all the negotiations are done and the legislation is finally passed. If it ever is.
Leone
Thanks, you seem to pick up info most people miss. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see the results from the senate votes.
Of course if the budget doesn’t get passed in its entirety then any bad economic figures can be blamed on Labor and the greens with the help of a compliant media.
Good point, CK. The established coalition mantra at present is that Labor-Green obstinacy in not allowing the repeal of the Carbon Tax is depriving people of of a huge windfall of $550 a year. Even the media is not pushing that one much, they’ve still got to keep up some level of believability, although the Murdoch and Singleton outlets will probably try if pushed.
The trouble is, the longer the blatant unfairness business goes on, the less voter credit they have to be believed. The ABC is still stuck loosely in the Murdoch narrative, but Fairfax, perhaps feeling the pinch of its own decline and the competition from The Guardian, has cautiously broken ranks. It’s no longer the same as the shameful universal chorus to get rid of Gillard.
Here’s a real crisis – just ask any parents with little kids addicted to Peppa Pig.
Peppa Pig may not survive ABC budget cuts, Mark Scott tells Senate estimates
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-05-28/peppa-pig-may-not-survive-abc-budget-cuts/5484212
leone
It makes sense that it won’t survive …
Akerman has form in finding left wing conspiracies in kids’ shows. In 2006 he came up with this rubbish about the supposed political correct sanitising of Baa Baa Black Sheep on Play School.
Of course that wasn't the case at all
http://www.abc.net.au/mediawatch/transcripts/s1732800.htm
Abbott and Hockey are still trash talking the economy.
During the Great Depression some people actually made lots of money in the long term by buying up things at rock bottom prices.
Any thoughts on this?
At the moment I don’t understand their game plan in driving down consumer confidence.
Akerman is hardly an appropriate critic of children literature, just like G Henderson is probably not the right person to judge literary books.
RNM 1953,
If you can depend on anything, it’s a dead cert that some of the Coalition’s nicest friends know exactly how to profit from a falling market.
Interesting info about coal ports in the Barrier Reef
http://www.dredgingtoday.com/2014/05/26/abbot-point-project-hsbc-follows-deutsche-bank-australia/
Pyne may take HECS from the dead
This just stinks.
The basis for not collecting NOW, is that repayment only starts when the student starts gaining a financial advantage (ie higher earnings) from their education.
If a person dies while still owing a HECS debt, it implies they’ve not been able to obtain that financial advantage – but now this government wants to claw the HECS back anyway from what little the person may have to leave to support any dependents.
And this is rubbish. If the person’s estate is insufficient to pay the balance of any ordinary debt, other family members are not liable (unless they have signed something like a guarantor agreement, but that’s a completely different thing).
Well, I don’t know how scientific it all is, but this latest survey suggests that Julia Gillard was more admired than the MSM and opinion polling would have us believe (alternatively, she might have recovered since they’ve seen her two opponents in action).
http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/nation/julia-gillard-barack-obama-head-list-of-people-australians-most-admire/story-e6frg6nf-1226934536841
Reinforces my belief that the greatest damage to Labor came from Rudd and his Cardinals, finally leading to Caucus panicking. The range of policies and the commitment to jobs and economic stability suggests that it might have been enough to defend against the personal vitriol. Politicians unfortunately are so used to doing everything from polling and were convinced they were headed for the graveyard.
As Gillard said in just about her only public comment on the issue, it is far easier to campaign on a program of achievement and a commitment to clear values. Gone now, but a lesson that politicians need to learn as Labor seeks to reform its appeal to the public.
rnm1953:
Any thoughts on this?
At the moment I don’t understand their game plan in driving down consumer confidence.
I think it’s fairly straightforward. it does sound counter-productive, but I think they just want to implement an ideological agenda, and to do it they need to convince us that cuts are necessary. The only way to do it is to portray the economy as so dire that we’ll accept measures that reduce our standard of living.
It’s going to fail hopelessly for a number of reasons:
1. It’s not what they sold us pre-election. The reason they were voted in was because they said they could manage the economy better, while keeping all the good things the ALP gave us. They said it would be painless, and they had a mantra about easing the cost of living. They can jump up and down all they like about ‘budget emergencies’ but people simply didn’t believe that guff last year, and when put to the question Abbott and co didn’t subscribe to it either. The deal was that the carbon tax would be abolished, and a few minor tweaks here and there, plus the enormous confidence of just having Liberals in charge (just like Howard, remember how great things were under Howard people?) would do the trick.
This is the big one “Steady hands”, “Economic record”, “Increasing productivity”, “Returning confidence” – it was all about ALP/dysfunctional, LNP/united team. That’s the only distinction the electorate were asked to make, nothing about actual approach to the economy. Just that all the good policy work of the ALP would continue without the soap opera. The scale of the breach of trust is incalculable.
2. Anyone can see that this is a budget with silly spending measures here and draconian cuts there. There’s no consistency to it at all. You can’t ferret away money into a medical ‘fund’, or gift the Reserve Bank $8B which they didn’t ask for, or go around buying boats to stick AS on, or waste money on a wild goose chase for a plane that isn’t there, or hand out subsidies to the mining industry – or abolish a revenue raising mechanism like carbon pricing for that matter – while you’re supposed to be paying off the debt. The mixed-messaging is off the scale. And it’s crystal clear who’s copping the brunt of these inequities.
3. The suspicion all along in the electorate is that the ALP handled the economy pretty well. Telling people they didn’t is flat out lying in their faces. It’s crucial to the sell, but it’s a ridiculous proposition to go with. AAA ratings all round are the massive obstacle there, and they can’t do anything about that.
4. The verdict on the budget is in. And the more detail that comes out regarding it, the more entrenched opinion becomes. It’s virtually impossible to argue that you’re fixing a problem when the electorate have decided the problem is you.
Joe Hockey 1987
http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/joe-hockey-video-from-1987-shows-treasurer-protesting-against-university-fees-20140528-394jn.html
Joe learned at the feet of his master:
“That was then. This is now.”
Pity he didn’t learn to duck.
Jason
WOW HoJo was a ginger ? Or did he dye his hair ? The YouTube of it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O27TvYlIx4E
]\
The salted caramel moose was delicious. as was the lamb and ricotta pizza.The company was good too, when they arrived. It was nice for me not to be the late one, for once.
One for joe6pack. Some truckers footage from Russia. Russian mate in Darwin was awestruck by our road trains. He said they could never happen in Russia because every time they stopped a trailer would have “gone missing” 🙂 @3:30 is the craziest Ivan.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDSjaQ60AQY
This would be funny if it wasn’t so… hilarious:
Get in line, IPA.
You don’t know how much you’ll miss something till it’s gone.