Introducing Claude – Malcolm B Duncan’s Cat

Guest Author Uncategorized

Pubsters will already be familiar with the late Malcolm B Duncan, and his excursions into The Land of Nadir and The Great Australian Novel. At last the time has come to introduce to The Pub Mr Duncan’s cat – the ubiquitous Claude. (The reasons will become apparent over the next few days/weeks/months.)

Both Claude and Mr Duncan are now but echoes in the ether; nevertheless, both are still well worth perusing. Claude is, of course, more than capable of introducing himself – this is what he pawed in October 2007:

Cornflake Pizza

Well, I suppose I ought to introduce myself: Claude’s the name and I’m diabetic. Fat and Rude has saved my life by nursing me back to health a few times so I suppose I owe him. But enough about him for the moment: I’m a cat, so I’d rather talk about me.

I was born somewhere about 16 years ago. Didn’t know my parents very well because one was Persian and the other was Siamese. I guess that would make me the perfect terrorist – well, if I weren’t a cat. Don’t know about the rest of the family, I think I came out on a boat. Is that one of those damned Cockatoos on the balcony? Lousy eating and vicious.

Frightful thing, diabetes: you get terribly distracted very easily.

Balcony? Ah, yes, the balcony. It’s in Wentworth looking west. It’s maintained (in a fashion) by Fat and Rude and She Who Must Be Disobeyed (“SWMBD”). Well, truth to tell, I’m a cat and they both have to be disobeyed. Differentially, sequentially and disruptively. Preferably at 3 in the morning.

Now, how did I fall in with them? Well, truth to tell (and you have to accept that, bright as I am, I only have limited language skills and I am from migrant stock or, as Fat and Rude calls us, “Reffos”) it was like this. SWMBD’s father got crook shortly before I was born. An undecorated war hero from WWII, he had a bad turn, and SWMBD’s sister had the idea that I would be a good companion while he was recovering from a massive heart attack. And I was – that’s why I’ve always wondered why they subjected me to The Operation. He put in a cat door and I used to bring him the catch of the day: rats (lots of rats around Kingsgrove), assorted wildlife, you know the stuff. I used to play a wonderful game with him by climbing trees or getting on the roof of the laundry and waiting until he got a ladder to get me down when I would jump down all by my kittenish self and show him how clever I was. He was pretty active for a bloke who’d had a heart attack.

Then, one day, he left us – he got stuck in a dishwasher, and I was stuck with the Lady. Now, I tried. I understood how sad she was and I did try to help. I brought I don’t know how many rats, small mammals and the like by day and night, but none of it seemed to cheer her up.  Then, one day, I just got dumped with Fat and Rude and SWMBD. But they had great furniture. Fat and Rude likes tapestry upholstery. The only thing better for sharpening your claws than tree bark is tapestry upholstery. I discovered a thing called kapok – better than rats and doesn’t move as fast.

And I moved to the big end of town. No more Kingsgrove for me. Suddenly, I moved from a marginal Labor [sic] electorate to a place where labour is only known below stairs. Then I got the diabetes. Well, it’s a bit of a pain having to be injected with insulin twice a day but after 6 years I suppose I’m used to it. It’s fun going to the vet too. I’ve managed to wound 1,273 vet students who’ve tried to take blood curves, and I’m the only transgender teenager registered at the needle exchange in Darlinghurst Road. But you might be wondering why I’m telling you all this. Well, Fat and Rude is running for Wentworth and he’s asked me to keep a diary. He says I have the same IQ as the average voter and it will save him some time.

I must admit though, I’m a bit scared of Malcolm Turnbull (I am a cat after all), but I’ll try to do my best. If they ever let me off the bloody balcony, I’ll let you know what’s happening on the campaign trail.

Free Aussie Stock

(well, Claude did had a thing about sulphur-crested cockatoos . . .)

466 thoughts on “Introducing Claude – Malcolm B Duncan’s Cat”

  1. In the House.

    On a day when it is just total mayhem ..

    This is Labor’s Jim Chalmers, who says a government backbencher, Bert Van Manen, has just told the chamber he will not support the government’s life insurance bill.

    This is a very big deal, Mr Speaker. This government is hopelessly divided on economic policy.

  4. “Prime Minister, does the members of the JCSEM former prime minister have your confidence?”

  11. Last before the winter break

    DISCUSSION OF MATTER OF PUBLIC IMPORTANCE
    Ms Ellis (Adelaide)
    “The Government undermining the future of Australian children by attacking
    schools.”

    • About bleeping time. Should have gone long ago.

      I wonder if the body in the love nest had anything to do with this sudden resignation?

    • All of the above, and desperate to prove he is so seriously disabled he needs a taxpayer funded pension.

  14. BB

    So sorry to hear that after all your an HI’s hard work that they get their way. I now feel very sad. I was feeling so positive that you both would win this.

    Don’t get too depressed. Maybe I was.

    It ain’t over yet. Probably at least another month, or maybe 6 weeks. As we showed last time: ANYTHING can happen. 6 weeks is a long time in industrial relations.

    We’ve worked miracles before. All I’m saying is that we’re up against the HR person who should have had the job the last one had (the one that got sacked over our case).

    She’s actually quite brilliant, in a malevolent sort of way. Good on her feet. Always ready with a clever excuse or a nasty twist. Usually wrong, but what the hell!

    • Jumped before he was pushed:

      Fair Work Commission vice-president Michael Lawler has resigned on the eve of his deadline to respond to a report on his controversial use of paid sick leave.

    • BB’s HI hasn’t been treated with anything like the same consideration as Michael Lawler and she worked a damn sight harder

    • The last paragraph is very damning

      the real concern of this episode goes beyond the claims of this nonsense-on-stilts report. The rise of consultancies churning out “independent” reports to advance the causes of vested interests has been well documented. What is alarming is the prominence these reports receive in public debate. No matter how outlandish their claims or how obscure their provenance, the media report them and politicians quote them. The public, confused or frightened by the numbers, forms the view that policy change is simply too risky. That’s a pretty cheap way of buying policy outcomes, especially ones that help special interests but go against the long-term interests of the country.

  19. The other day, when I saw the story about this farce of a government’s latest plan for kicking the unemployed to the kerb, I had a random thought – it won’t be too long before the Tories decide only those who are working and paying taxes can vote. Don’t laugh, such a move may well be in the IPA pipeline already.

    Then I saw this – it goes to a whole new level of right-wing nastiness. Just the sort of thing Turnbull and his pack of over-entitles bullies would love.

    Illinois Republicans Sponsor a Bill That Denies Birth Certificates to the Children of Single Mothers
    https://www.good.is/articles/single-mothers-getting-attacked-in-illinois?utm_source=TSE&utm_medium=FB&utm_campaign=pd&utm_content=inf_10_81_2&tse_id=INF_be229eeebcd944fa80ebbbdb8aafa19d

  20. And that, no doubt, is what Katharine is hoping for and praying for

    Apart from the scrap with the Greens, Labor is walking around with a spring in its step, sensing weakness in the government. They are right, there is weakness in the government. But life will become more challenging if Abbott can avoid the impulse to behave destructively.

    http://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/live/2016/mar/03/turnbull-government-seizes-new-negative-gearing-report-politics-live

    • If Abbott can avoid the impulse to behave destructively?

      That will never happen. He’d do it even if he wasn’t seething at Turnbull. He destroyed his party when he was PM, and he’s destroying it now that he’s not PM. It could be argued that he started destroying it as soon as he became opposition leader. They stopped having policies at that time, having traded them in for ‘tactics’, and that was a slow-acting poison infecting the entire party. I know others saw it before I did, but I was talking about it back in 2012 and it’s still true now.

      If they’re relying on Abbott behaving himself so they can get back on track, then they’re doomed.

  21. I can’t see the point of health insurance. The best place to be if you need serious hospital care is a public hospital, preferably a large teaching one. The private places are OK, I suppose, for those who want cosmetic surgery, but that’s about it. You are better off cancelling the private cover and putting that money into a special bank account, for use when you need a dentist or a physio or new specs or whatever.

    A great idea, except for the Medicare Levy Surcharge (MLS), Lifetime Health Cover (LHC) etc.

    If you earn enough to be able to afford private health insurance, you don’t get to choose a “self-managed” option: you either pay the spivs, or pay more tax (MLS). I’m sure the latter is carefully calculated to not be cheaper option.

    “Mind the gap” indeed!

    • Oddly enough, i had this discussion the other day with No 1 son (who has a physical disability and a couple of unusual health conditions that might see him in hospital every now and then). Private hospitals would not want him, because he does not require expensive and profitable surgery. He earns a decent income, used to have private cover only for extras, but opted out because he never got any benefit from it. He says he’d rather pay the tax surcharge than go back to being ripped off by health insurance companies.
      I suggested he might think about taking out some ambulance cover. He said no way. He’d rather pay the bill if he ever needs an ambulance.The bill from his place to the local hospital is probably around $380, $357 emergency call-out and $3.22 a km) so he might have a point.

      If the ‘pay more tax’ option is calculated to be greater than the spiv option it’s because the health funds and the private hospital operators have close ties to the government. Like sheep, we are rounded up and all but forced to sign up to something that is of little benefit to us.

  22. jaeger – FRED dead? Maybe mine will be worth a fortune in about a thousand years!

    The ‘reply’ thing. It’s some thing I don’t use unless I’m being lazy.

    If you are still on the same page ie you haven’t clicked on ‘newer comments’ and a reply has been posted next time you refresh you’ll go back to the new ‘reply’ post … I think.

    Not very useful when comments are posted as frequently as they are here.

    • (Nested tweets aren’t working.)

  39. The Libs and their priorities

    Funding cuts will force the closure an award-winning program providing maternity care to Aboriginal women in Perth’s northern suburbs.

    Moort Boodjari Mia has been operating since 2011, helping Indigenous teenagers and women through their pregnancies.

    The service has won two national health industry awards for its innovative work.

    But on June 30 it will close after neither the Federal nor State Government agreed to continue funding the service.

    http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-03-03/moort-boodjari-mia-maternity-centre-close-due-funding-cut/7217912

    • Sheesh, they’re only lubras, but.

      (I wish we had an offensive/ironic emoticon.)

  40. jaeger

    The Ebay FREDs are a lot cleaner than mine.

    The number stamped into the FRED and shown on the packaging ‘7330-66-101-0933’ is a ‘blast from the past’.

    The number is from the Defence Equipment Catalog. Everything had to have a number.

    The only prefix parts I can recall 1110 = Armoured Fighting Vehicles – Main Battle Tank, 1310 = Warships, 1510 = Fixed Wing A/C And 1520 = Rotary Winged A/C.

    ‘7330’ in the ar#e end of the catalog ‘Misc Metal Bibs & Bobs – Eating’ or something of the sort … it’s strange the things you remember! 😀

    • The number is from the Defence Equipment Catalog. Everything had to have a number.

      Of course! “I’m heading down to stores; anyone need any pens? Notepads? Anti-personnel mines?” 😉

      With only 10 sheets of TP in a CR1M, acronyms for “FRED” are even more disturbing.

  42. Lib MPs fear Abbott could blow election chances

    Coalition MPs are growing increasingly fearful that former prime minister Tony Abbott could blow up the government’s election prospects in his bid to get back at Malcolm Turnbull and others who helped depose him

    http://www.afr.com/news/politics/lib-mps-fear-abbott-could-blow-election-chances-20160302-gn91pw?&utm_source=social&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=nc&eid=socialn%3Atwi-14omn0055-optim-nnn%3Anonpaid-27062014-social_traffic-all-organicpost-nnn-afr-o&campaign_code=nocode&promote_channel=social_twitter#ixzz41pDEhWt5

    Go Tony!

  43. Tlbd –

    The Pope (how appropriate) cartoon you’ve posted above – the children have been chucked into the Tiber.

  44. jaeger

    With only 10 sheets of TP in a CR1M, acronyms for “FRED” are even more disturbing.

    LoL!

  45. jaeger

    Jack of all trades… Thoughts?

    For $189 it’s got lots of attachments including a ‘brush cutter’.

    George W Bush is probably making a beeline for his local Aldi right now.

    • The brush cutter and line trimmer were the most useful, but hedge-trimmer and chainsaw on a stick are good too. Invading Iraq – not so much,

  46. http://www.farmonline.com.au/news/agriculture/general/politics/barnaby-joyce-declares-honeymoon-over/2751823.aspx?storypage=0

    http://www.farmonline.com.au/news/agriculture/general/politics/keogh-rejects-ridiculous-accc-claims/2751824.aspx?storypage=0

    http://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2016/mar/03/coalition-ditches-building-watchdog-trigger-for-double-dissolution-election

    http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/nsw/body-found-at-south-coast-home-of-kathy-jackson/news-story/c4f2c0203bd972b8f2dea2832a97062c no paywall

    http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-03-01/manning-what-went-wrong-with-the-nbn/7210408

    http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-03-03/oquist-no,-we-don't-need-personal-income-tax-cuts/7216584

  47. Will Truffles succeed in scaring voters about Labor’ baby seal clubbing Negative Gearing of Doom tax plan ?. Not going by this in the solid Liberal party paper The Worst Australian. Large headline “Homebuyer fears spook Libs”. Opening line is the good bit. Doesn’t sound like the horses are panicked by Labor’s plan.

    Malcolm Turnbull is under pressure from Liberals in mortgage belt seats to adopt parts of Labor’s negative gearing changes…

  49. That was page three. Page one was filled with news of ‘WAR’ between Truffles and The Oaf over submarines.

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