TOM LEWIS writes:
Damned inconvenient. Cricket on. You’d think they could spice it up a bit by losing the third test just to get the odds up a bit and increase the take at the gate. Yes, a double, m’dear.
Now, where was I? Don’t really know since I died, but what was it I wanted to say to you lot? Oh yes, ran into Jack t’other day and he’s got a few tidbits of a yarn. Apparently that wheat thing’s over. No James, the massage is at 3, isn’t it?
Um, where was I? Ah yes. Well, old Jack tells me he’s got another yarn and I’m s’posed to see him next week to get the guts of it. Dunno, really. There’s a Chrissie party on and were having a memorial for Harold Holt over at the Chinese down the road at the Cheviot Beach Club so we mightn’t get a chance to get it all down before this bloody mob close down for Christmas. Journalists. I ask you. Always the same: never let a good news story get in the way of a holiday.
Anyway, here’s the last bit Jack gave me about the wheat thing. Happy Hogmanay and we’ll be back in the new year or so. Have to rush – the massage was at 2 after all.
Love to all and remember: vote Liberal. They may be a pack of incompetent bastards, but they’re our incompetent bastards. Mud in your eye.
The Chronicles of Nadir
As told from the grave by Tom Lewis
Tale the First
The Scion, the Wheat, and the Cabinet
Chapter The Last
The Final Report
As clouds of smoke billowed around the Teak Table and the bush firefighters were gaining Labor [sic] pre-selection in droves, other momentous portents were occurring in the land of Nadir. While the snow melted and the water rose, rats were leaving sinking ships like a drawn treader and faster than the increasing drought could reduce stock numbers (or even numbats). Little Lucy’s husband was making a concerted push on the water front and had made so many feel-good announcements that she was, victory over the Lady Jadis apart, clearly flushed with success.
Meanwhile, on this side of the Cabinet, Little Johnnie, in a public relations coup the like of which had not been seen since Mrs Petrov was dragged screaming from a Lermontov airliner in Darwin, the coalface had been closed down as a gesture towards appeasing the lunatic fringe on global warming.
AW Board had escaped by the skin of his teeth and had them firmly sunk into the double board shuffle somewhere in the Channel Islands while his erstwhile colleagues slowly committed suicide pending their respective committals.
With the Christmas hols rapidly approaching, the children had spent useful time relieving the tension of their adventures by installing themselves on their respective thrones in the park outside the Goulburn RSL. Although it had caused a bit of a stink at the time, as is the way of these things, like the coalface, time heals all wounds and things are easily forgotten if not always forgiven or vice versa.
Alexander had become both Queen of the Faeries and Foreign Minister as a fully-fledged member of the Inner Cabinet (price $482 plus GST – the modern equivalent of 20 pieces of silver, or, a pound of flesh as it was known in Treasury, the portfolio the now enthroned King Peter had been given and the only kingdom he was ever likely to rule). As a further diversionary tactic a former Jewish journalist, and Middle East expert, Rosie Rosie (always a red’s red) had been appointed as ambassador to the newly created territory of Palestine, a traditional historical homeland the size of Monaco which now sat on a floating island half a kilometer above the ancient land of Brobdignag.
Queen Amanda, for her part, had become, well, slightly larger than she formerly had been in life, and was given extra responsibility as a new Australian Territory in the Great Southern Ocean about 50º 25’ E, 28º 45’S where she was now inhabited by a colony of lesbian sea lions, all of whom had passed the recently introduced dictation test, knew all about mateship, Australian values, bbqing in cold climates, and turkey basting as well as having promised to vote Liberal for the rest of their natural lives. The turkey basting had initially seemed odd and could have been scuttled until it was explained to Jeanette, a well known animal liberationist (after all she had taken Little Johnnie away from his mum) that there were no actual turkeys involved just a long plastic tube and a thing that looked like the business end of a Klaxon horn on a model T Ford. Jeanette had always had a soft spot for the model T and from time to time had fantasies about Corder and a dickie seat. She often had fantasies about dickie seats but that still hadn’t stopped THAT WOMAN getting pre-selection for Southern Highlands.
For Little Lucy, being a Queen was little different to being a Little Lucy really. After all, once one was born to rule, one was born to rule (although there had been a tad of trouble about that combined with being a Roman Catholic in 1688). Still, time heals all wounds, even being thrown over at your fist popular election as Lord Mayor for a bedraggled chook the age of Methuselah with the brains of a herring (and personal hygiene to go with it).
Mr Patel, on the other hand had struck up a clandestine correspondence with Mr Lodhi. Both were planning a break-out known to the law as an appeal. The thin-lipped veinless Ruddock had his eye on them like a, well, not like a hawke, (he, after all, was from the other side) but more like a Caldwell (come to think of it, he was from the other side as well but, it was an old saying: two Wongs don’t make a white and there was no point in playing with a Lodhi weapon.) Of course, every cloud has a silver lining and at least Mr Patel knew he didn’t have osteoporosis – he could now see the bones in his wrists for himself.
So, as the fire gutters and sleep draws on, gathering the loose ends as any good children’s story does, we find the four at the end of their particular adventure, returned from the Land of Nadir, blessed by the Scion and happily ruling over a grateful populace seemingly forever. Yet, while this is a children’s’ story, we live in an adult world with the dangers of war not yet receded. Home by Christmas becomes yet another casualty of realpolitic if not of a terrible war. In fact, in the time it has taken in the telling of this tale, the dangers only increased. ‘Tis but the way of the world (and of tedious, crude, laboured, Christian allegories) that the struggle never ends.
Unbeknownst to them, the children, Little Johnnie, Jeanette, Corder and all their fellow travellers were about to face their greatest challenge since the days of the Communist Party Case.
From the North, suddenly, unannounced, except by himself, had come the threat of Prince Crispian now allied with the Wicked Witch of the South, an evil, fire-breathing, unmarried, childless, whining, grating, gyrating, combinationalist, red both in hair and craw, Jules of the Galliard, who was to Dowland and courtly Elizabethan dancing what the rulers of the Peoples’ Republic of China had been to Tiananmen square. Suddenly, crocodiles were developing Hawke eyes.
Like the endless ebb and flow of the big bang cycle, force against force was aligned and the ever to be repeated battle loomed. Once more unto the breach, the mettle of their pasture was again to be tested: this time it would not just be about wheat.
THE PUB 
Not much reaction from the noddies when Hockey talks.
And didn’t the NE look like he thought himself such a clever little boy with his Putin subs crack.
Plibersek asks simple question – you promised pre-election to build the subs in Adelaide, will you? Abbott starts by a tacit admission that the promise was broken. On the question he fluffs about, even on the attack on Labor he was a bit weak this time.
Bronnie got distracted during Truss’s answer – can’t blame her for that – and started chatting to (or at) ALP members. Looks like she’s kicked Albo out. Burke wasn’t even allowed to articulate his problem with that, told to shut up and sit down.
If anyone ever thought good government started this week, well it’s definitely over now.
Truss still waffling on. His own front bench have lost interest and are chatting amongst themselves.
Couldn’t tell you a thing about Truss’s answer, no idea at all. Just a string of numbers.
This one, Tony? The B-237
Abbott now asked if Senator Edwards lied when he said he was pleased there’d be a full and open tender.
I can tell you before he starts that he won’t go near that.
Incredible really that Abbott ever accused Shorten of xenophobia, considering the volume of the anti-Russian diatribe he’s coming out with.
Labor wants to see Australian subs built in Russia or possibly North Korea – the new government mantra.
Murpharoo has a go at him –
Just checked up on CEPs (competitive evaluation process.). Seems it stands for “circular error probable”.
Looks on the money to me.
Katharine is no fan of Broomhilda:
And now Bananarby continues in his Quixotic quest to arrange words into a coherent sentence. Burke interrupts his flow. Bananarby returns and speaks at twice the speed. Surreal flow of words there, just riffs basically.
Could we be so lucky?
Question as to whether Abbott has entered into an agreement with Abe for subs. Abbott thinks that question is xenophobic. Hasn’t answered the question. Went as far as to say he was talked to Abe. Won’t let us know what was decided in those talks. He’s still going, off the hyperbole scale.
Not only has the Speaker not welcomed some Australian citizens to the observation of the dog pit, (sorry, question time) she has also apparently topped her score from last year and kicked the 300th Labor MP out of the chamber.
I thought that Good Government ™ was to start yesterday? Looks like we got sold a lemon again!
A Joyce Riff would be Bananaby reading from Finnegans Wake. Cool!
Bowen had a go at Hockey’s ‘ALP voting bloc in Senate’ gaffe. Abbott’s crowing because they got something through last night. Didn’t express any trust in his Treasurer, I note.
Just as a side-note, it looks as if putting on a confident face and brazening everything out is the new Coalition approach. Haven’t they already done that all term?
I ran out of words to describe how much I dislike this lot. I might look at the North Korean vocabulary.
If only we had a camera zoomed in on HoJo’s ears when Bowen asked that question to Abbott.
ALP doing a lot of asking Abbott to defend Hockey. Hockey yelled out “Why don’t you ask ME a question! Come on!”
I like this. Abbott has to shackle himself to Hockey now. Hockey’s terminal, so anything Abbott says in Hockey’s favour is just going to damage himself. He’s just stepping into the trap now.
For those who missed it. HoJo had said somewhere (radio?) re probs in the Senate that Labor controlled it as they had the largest bloc. Bowen brings it up and asked Abbott “Given Labor has 25 seats in the senate while Coalition has 33, does the PM have confidence in a Treasurer who cannot count ?” .
Abbott waffled about and afterwards Bowen ” …..seek leave to table the composition of the senate -it’s even got a pie chart to make it easier for the Treasurer” .
kk,
With Ms Sales on 7.5.
Bishop going full bitchop. With backing vocals from Bronnie kicking people out.
Nice Q by Tanya. No wonder Bananas is going troppo.
Farce. High farce. Burke stood up for a point of order. Bronnie ignored it, while Bishop started waving a prop around – particularly bitchy “Africa is not a country” sheet of paper. Bronnie did eventually tell Bishop not to use props – and I might add she waved it around for quite a bit, in defiance of the chair, before folding it up. Then Bronnie told Burke to sit down, wouldn’t listen to him at all. In the ruckus, Bronnie threw Dreyfus out, he said something while leaving, and Pyne immediately called for a 24 hour suspension for him. They’re having a division over it now.
You know, adult government and all.
A Russian one to go with the Nth Korean . Podonok – A person who is the lowest of the low. A scumbag.
There are few more enjoyable experiences than plucking a nicely ripened white nectarine from the tree and eating it there and then. I just did it five times!
I cannot watch QT anymore, now that it has become a farce with Speaker Dame Kero.
So a big thank you to Aguirre for the live commentary.
If Bex was still around they could have used footage of Broomhilda instead
Had to go out – missed Bananas making a fool of herself, apparently.
Question time has been a farce for years and years. The concept of Dorothy Dixers is nonsensical. It’s just a silly game.
Probably something highly offensive like “Madam Speaker …”
My adventure at the shops – or – why online retailing is booming.
Had to go to Target, a place I usually avoid, but it was a favour so off I went. I was instructed to buy talking bathroom scales, not glass ones, and they had to be digital. My instructor and I had looked at the Target website and they had dozens so she thought the ‘real’ shop seemed like a good place to try – the need is urgent. In the real shop they had just six models – two ruled out because they were glass, the rest were not ‘talkies’. Came home empty-handed. Couldn’t be bothered trekking around town hoping someone had what we wanted. The customer is now ordering online from a choice of hundreds. Should have done that this morning.
I wonder if the government is tanking so it can get better draft picks for next season.
Katharine’s take on the sub sobs
” There are few more enjoyable experiences than plucking a nicely ripened white nectarine from the tree and eating it there and then. I just did it five times!”………..The owners didn’t spot you then, BK?
Morrison gets slapped by the High Court, Dutton gets a slap too.
Immigration Minister to grant protection visa to Pakistani man on order of High Court
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-02-11/immigration-minister-to-grant-pakistani-refugee-visa/6085360
Caption time
“Australians all let us rejoice!”
Yes, we have no bananas. We have no bananas today.
More likely “I pledge allegiance to …. was it Armani or Dior this time?”
I can’t see joho exiting left.
“High on a hill was a lonely goatherd
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo”
Graeme Orr raised a good point about the possible Ferny Grove by-election earlier. He said essentially if this gets forced to a by-election, what’s stopping a major party running a strategy of putting dummy candidates in marginal seats only to bring light to their disqualifications if they lose and force by-elections?
I can totally see the LNP adopt this dirty strategy, get bankrupt or otherwise ineligible (dual citizenship?) party members to run as low-key independents then if the real LNP candidate doesn’t get up, yell “hey! This candidate was bankrupt! Run the election again!”
After the recent leadership kerfuffle it might the old German oath of allegiance .
Yesterday BK gave us a link to this IA piece –
https://independentaustralia.net/politics/politics-display/abbocolypsenow-tony-abbott-australias-zombie-pm,7354
In it the German word “Kadavergehorsam” was mentioned. I’d never heard of it. It is a very good description of the way the Liberal Party MPs operate – “unquestioning, blind obedience or a total abandonment of one’s free will to a higher authority”.
http://krautblog-ulrich.blogspot.com.au/2011/12/word-of-month-kadavergehorsam.html
leonetwo
What a perfect word for them. Well spotted.
And they have the gall to accuse the Labor party of being controlled! *snorts derisively*
Looks like “obedient like a cadaver”.