Warning: Turbulence Ahead

The truly magnificent John Birmingham has decided to adopt the spirit of gonzo with a subscriber-only play-list. He’s also generously letting recipients post choice bits with the appropriate attributions. So, this is one that definitely caught my attention, and here’s the link: https://gumroad.com/l/aliensideboob

You read this hours before the coronation of an unstable, man-sized shard of penis brittle as the rape-clown-in-chief of the free world. Look around you. The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of Red Bull and cannibal meth. This surely was a week to ponder what rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches towards Washington to be born.

Perhaps it’ll be just like the final episode of Buffy, Season 3, when the Mayor turned into a giant demon snake and tried to eat all the guests. That would be cool, because our very own Senator Malcolm Roberts will be there to represent Pauline Hanson and the seventy-seven lackwits who drooled directly into the ballot box on his behalf. I would totally get up at three in the morning to watch Senator Roberts eaten by an enormous coil of writhing bowel wearing Donald Trump’s face and a burning haystack in place of a hairpiece. Sadly, just because something should happen doesn’t mean it will.

I tell my doctor that every time he rings to pester me about my overdue prostate exam.

Roberts and Hanson trolled everyone like champions earlier in the week, fanning themselves with their golden tickets to the crowning of Baron Fuckface von Clownstick as King o’ the World. One Nation’s Borg Queen twittered like a schoolgirl about being gifted her invite, while Roberts gave the impression he was grinning like your Uncle Bob with a permawoody from mail-order horse viagra.

“Pauline and I received an invitation, but not the Prime Minister,” tweeted the Lesser Malcolm. “OUCH”.

Cool story, bro.

So much cooler than some desperate fuckdiggler ringing the Aussie embassy again and again begging them to hook him up. Turned out the whole thing was such a fanwank plea-bargain that even the Republican congressman who eventually gave up the tickets felt the need to explainify his role in adding to the number of feral swamp donkeys in the national capitol tomorrow.

“Wait? What? Steve Irwin’s not coming?” he said.

Why do they do this? Why drop your pants, massage your buttocks with premium cold-pressed olive oil and stand glistening in the bright sun waiting for the giant Dildo of Consequences to ramify the outcomes of your poor choices? And ramify them HARD.

It’s a valid question, innit, guv? One the Greater Malcolm might consider as the prime ministerial bottom burns red and ever-so-gently quivers in anticipation of the fearful consequences that must come its way when his debt collectors start going after retirees.

Yes. That’s right. Having started the year with a jumbo-sized bowl of piping hot flop sweat, the bunglecunt messiah this week went back for sloppy seconds on the #notmydebt clusterfuckola, describing his government’s aggressive pursuit of billions of dollars it wasn’t owed as “responsible and appropriate.”

Remember that as you reflect on the poor choices made by the Lesser Malcolm, who was at least punching up. Or trying to.

The imperial bellends who actually reign over you did much worse things this week than pathetically bigging up their sixth degree of separation from Baron von Clownstick. They moved to widen the search for people who didn’t owe them any money from the mentally handicapped and unemployed to the nation’s millions of pensioners. Why? Because those greedy old fuckers have been living the honkey rich life on the premium tins of dog food and store brand colostomy bags at Aldi while our poor and hungry fucking trough monsters in Canberra have had to travel business class to each other’s wedding and polo orgies.

Business class!

Do you know how embarrassing that is when Lord Rupert screams past you in his personal jet?

Again, why would anyone who gets elected for a living do this? It can’t just be because kicking over some doddering wrinklies’ walking frames and mugging them for their carefully hoarded stash of dog food money is easier than going after scary-looking welfare moochers with their Celtic tatts and angry twitter feeds.

There has to be something deep at work. Something more primal.

And there is. Stupidity.

But not just old fashioned everyday stupidity. Not just common folly and garden variety derp.

No, this is a sort of amplified neo-stupidity. It’s a shameless stupidity that revels in its own asshat-on-backwards majesty. It’s networked and self-reinforcing. It’s stupidity as an accelerating feedback loop. The kind of stupid that argues for guns in schools to protect against grizzly bear attacks. The kind of stupid that insists, po-faced and pantsless, as Resources Minister Matt Canavan did on Tuesday, that we can reduce our carbon emissions from coal fired power stations by building more coal fired power stations. The kind of stupid that took such a fearful fucking beatdown from the last two weeks of #notmydebtpocalypse that it decides hitting itself in the head with a hammer wasn’t good enough. It should really frappe its own nads and knob cheese in a giant blender too. Because what could possibly go wrong feeding a couple of million pensioners into the trenches of Centrelink’s gigantinormous robot war?

That’s the kinda stupid I’m talkin’ about.

And tomorrow it wears a crown.

527 thoughts on “Warning: Turbulence Ahead

  1. Fiona

    Excellent work but Teresa May won’t be the one giving a squirrel grip handshake.

    • He might fancy himself as a perfect fit for Poorleen.

      In reality, he’s a perfect fit for any of the whackos.

      Lee Rhiannon, looking at you!

    • Having watched Latham on Sky I would have to say Bernardi would be far too lefty. His ‘issues’ with ‘ wimmin’ line up with the wackier fringes of Appaling Hanson’s mob.

    • Kaffeeklatscher,

      At least it would probably be a no holds barred contest.

      I have no idea which side I’d back.

  2. https://pando.com/2017/01/26/lean-out-deafening-post-november-silence-sheryl-sandberg/31d6cbfe6c69d87591aeb3e417eec2e55aab0908/

    http://kevinbonham.blogspot.com.au/2017/01/hobart-councils-leaders-have-batman.html bizarre Hobart story

    https://www.greenleft.org.au/content/greens-%E2%80%93-house-many-mansions Hall Greenland, a lefty former convenor of the Greens NSW 2013 to 2016 and among the founders of the Greens, hits back at Milne, Di Natale & co. I don’t have a side in this fight, I’m just putting it out there FYI.


  3. Good morning Dawn Patrollers.

    Jack Waterford calls out Turnbull as being the weakest and most indecisive PM since McMahon.
    Karen Middleton reckons she has the scoop. Brandis to London and Porter to b A-G. Lordy lodry!
    Lenore Taylor sys Australia should not chase Trump on corporate tax cuts. We do need to debate what sort of society we want to end up being though.
    Donald Trump may prove “deeply dangerous” for the rest of the world if confronted militarily, says the UK’s recently retired commander of the joint forces.
    Chris Wallace writes on Turnbull in the Trump era.
    Trump’s bullying behaviour has all bowing before him.
    Donald Trump assumes the US presidency with emolument proceedings filed against him and investigations under way by up to six state agencies.
    When an angry Fairfield councillor stormed out of a council meeting last year, he left behind a piece of paper which confirmed what many had long suspected: Joe Tripodi is still pulling strings in the shadows. Joe’s poison transcends party bounds.
    A top White House official has told the media to “keep its mouth shut”. A threat no less.
    The Turnbull government is falling short of its global and domestic infrastructure promises as a widening gap threatens to leave the economy dangerously exposed, particularly if the Trump administration triggers a global trade war. Google.

  4. Section 2 . . .

    Jacqui Maley puts it to us that Trump has no better friend than Australia. A nice piece.
    Stephen Koukoulas has some fun with our trade deficit with Mexico.
    Paul McGeough on how Comical Ali showed the money for the wall but then it vanished.
    Where will Guthrie take the ABC?
    A consumer backlash has wiped tens of millions of dollars off the value of soft drink sales at Australia’s major supermarkets, with demand plunging amid growing concern that sugary drinks are a major cause of diabetes and obesity. Maybe we don’t need a sugar tax after all.
    Why Turnbull’s digital transformation guru had to quit. And he unloads on the Centrelink debacle as being a “failure of management”. Google.
    Peter Hartcher in a rambling article wonders if Abbott will have another crack.
    During an interview on Fox News’s Hannity, President Trump defined what he meant by fake news. According to Trump, all of the respectable outlets who label his false statements lies are fake news.
    Will Trump end the Age of Enlightenment? Google.
    Arfur on why he deserves another chance,

  5. Section 3 . . .

    Centrelink is still stonewalling!
    Centrelink’s flawed system of debt recovery has proved a debacle for the government and a tortuous struggle for those wrongly accused of owing money writes Mike Seccombe. It’s a seminal article on the issue.
    Please NO!!! Georgina Downer eying off Mayo? Google.
    Morrison digs in against calls for change to negative gearing.
    There is no doubt Theresa May disagrees with Trump on many issues. Maybe she hopes that by holding him close, she can better hope to disarm him.
    Eight years jail for the former Billabong chief.
    Mesma was unable to express confidence in the US refugee deal.
    Trump’s Twitter diplomacy ads more fuel to the fire over the Mexico border issue.
    US President Donald Trump has used his second TV interview since taking power to defend his son Barron and to denounce pop star Madonna as “disgusting”.
    A leaked audio tape of a behind closed doors conversation at the Republican retreat about repealing Obamacare revealed a GOP that is terrified and running scared over the mess that they have gotten themselves into.

  6. Section 4 . . . with Cartoon Corner

    Andrew Street laughs at Barnaby Joyce. Don’t we all?
    A good piece by Ross Gittins on the everyday pitfalls of popular probability misunderstanding.
    Crispin Hull has some ideas on housing affordability. By my reckoning if house prices fall the only ones to be hurt are those who own houses they don’t live in.

    Alan Moir and the last gasp of the TPP.

    Mark David has baked a cake to celebrate Trump’s first week as president.

    Cathy Wilcox takes Fred Nile to US Immigration.

    David Rowe and his Mexican standoff.

    Andrew Dyson and the pussy backlash.

    Matt Golding sums up Trump diplomacy.

    Bill Leak continues to toe his master’s line.

  7. At last, a CPG journo puts the proposition:

    The question for the formal opening of the political year, beginning next week, is not whether Malcolm Turnbull can retrieve his position with voters. It is whether Bill Shorten can step into the vacuum Turnbull has created.

    … if grudgingly…

    It is not yet so clear that voters have positively committed themselves to a new Labor government. But that does increasingly seem the default option to which voters are resigned.

    Oh really? Labor is the “default option” in Australian politics? You can see why they pay Jack Waterford the big bucks, can’t you?

    And then he goes on a bit about Shorten’s “shameful” factionalism, political opportunism etc. etc. on his way to the top. We are even told no-one in the party much likes Bill… but this is par for the course for a pundit with a lot invested in the sheer naturalness of Coalition government.

    Whichever way Jack Waterford puts it, though, this piece is a watershed. It’s about the first time that a Canberra scribbler has faced the almost unthinkable (to them) prospect that the solution to a dud Coalition Prime Minister is not yet another dud Coalition Prime Minister.

    Labor did Prime Ministerial assassination that became party political suicide. Then the Coalition did it even nastier and faster. So count out the idea of your “traditional” dysfunction. Turnbull got what he wanted, not by being Saint Malcolm, but by being a bigger backstabber than the rest of the backstabbers. Whatever you say about the last Labor government, at least they did things. Waterford – while not praising the fiber-based NBN is at least prepared to say that Turnbull fucked it: a sort-of backhanded way of saying perhaps every home connected to fiber around the country wasn’t such a terrible idea, productivity-wize. Turnbull destroyed it under orders, but “obeying orders” didn’t help Nazi war criminals,and it shouldn’t help Malcolm Turnbull or his mates born with political silver spoons in their mouths.

    In conclusion?

    Well, hard as it is to write it, and as against the grain as it is to discuss it, Jack Waterford is telling us, however doubtfully and half-heartedly, that the other side might be ready for another go.

    For argument’s sake, of course. Jack would want that to be understood, I’m sure.


  8. Another NSW Liberal bites the dust – and about blooming time!

    NSW Health Minister Jillian Skinner announces retirement from politics

    This by-election could be interesting. Voters in North Sydney tend to like independents and a mob pissed off by looming construction work for the Sydney Metro rail link might just make them choose another indie.

    Remember this? The voters of North Sydney will.

    • Gravel, I think by this stage Mr and Mrs Ducky are cruising around the Canaries, so internet access is probably non-existent.

  9. Thanks for your work BK

    That AFR article about Paul Shetler at the end of section 1 was an indulgent piece of crap. Yes an IT system is both the internal systems and the user interface. This pushy gay yank rode in on his white stallion and failed because he didn’t care to find where the skeletons were buried claiming that Australia has no IT expertise, no we have been retrenched over the past 2 decades

    This article didn’t mention Sjetler most useful point made in the media was that Australia has outsourced too much, stripping out organisational memory and having insufficient inhouse expertise to understand the architecture of the systems and piss poor contract negotiation skills

    Shetler should have known human services / Centrelink has a history of attempting to build mammoth ambitious IT systems that over run, destroy staff marriages, and fail miserably

  10. If this isn’t disgraceful, I don’t know what is: a refugee fleeing from torture in Iran, put into the Manus Island system by the Abbott government, released but forced to endure further torture and beatings, has now fled (by using a flase identity) to Fiji, claiming that Australia and New Guinea treated him just as badly as the Iranians did.

    Australia. Love it, or leave it.


  11. The Indigenous community on Palm Island in far north Queensland will feature in an historical documentary about a relatively unknown aspect of colonisation.

    Up to 20 Aboriginal people were taken from northern Australia in the 19th and 20th centuries to be exhibited alongside animals in what was called The Human Zoo.

    Along with tens of thousands of other people, they were put on display across Europe and North America until at least 1940.

    The Palm Island community has been reunited with the remains of one of their ancestors involved in the trade.


  12. Vale John Hurt



    http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/opinion/laurie-oakes/malcolm-turnbull-in-denial-as-donald-trump-takes-us-out-of-transpacific-partnership/news-story/e029c3cb5a505a9d43bcf117332bbcc2 paywalled, google the URL or open via the twitter link

  13. Also on the way we treat refugees and asylum seekers on Manus Island and Nauru – the deliberate, calculated cruelty of the American transfer that will never happen. Dutton must have had hours of mirth from this form of torture – offering a chance, even allowing interviews, then taking it all away. Was there ever any real intent to resettle refugees in the US? I doubt it.

    Behrouz Boochani is an Iranian journalist currently incarcerated on Manus Island.

    Acceptance of the deal sending refugees in Manus and Nauru to the United States looks to be in trouble. Donald Trump is planning to issue some orders about refugees that could prevent or limit it. Hence it is essential to mention 1: We in the Manus prison did not expect the new president to accept this deal. It is another way the Australian government has used to waste time and to keep holding Manus and Nauru refugees in limbo. The Australian government continues to play multiple political games with refugees that have caused suffering for our souls and minds again and again during the past four years; and entertained the media with such endless games. It is like a form of Sadism. 2: If the deal with the US is suspended, we need to ask the Australian government and Prime Minister what reasons did they have for their assurances the deal would not be terminated?When we know Donald Trump terminated the US involvement in the TPP with a simple signature on his first day in office, and termination of a small agreement regarding 2000 refugees is surely easier than an important regional partnership! 3: So the Australian government ought to announce clearly what is its plan for the future and how long do they plan to hold the refugees in limbo. The most basic and primary right of a refugee is to know where (s)he is supposed to live. 4: It is better now to accept resettlement of the refugees in Australia. It is easier to do this by changing the Immigration Minister.Translated by Dr N. Jackson


    You can follow Behrouz on Twitter. @BehrouzBoochani

    • Elmer Funke Kupper, What an unfortunate name. Remove a consonant and it describes exactly what he wanted to do – still wants to do – to the Australian economy.

      The chap is from The Netherlands, but that’s no excuse.

  14. Reports of a pregnant woman entering Labor this afternoon has shocked One Nation senator Malcolm Roberts, who strongly believes she should be in a hospital instead.

    “Please, if you are pregnant, I urge you to see a doctor immediately instead of running to the first questionable political ideology you can find. Joining the Labor party is not always the answer. I guess it’s a bit hypocritical of me to be saying that, given my track record on not believing evidence-based science over rhetoric, but that’s the kind of satirical word-play I’m into these days, which I expect the humorless leftist media to not understand.”

    Read on.

  15. Brandis being sent to London –

    Wasn’t there once a time when the Brits sent their criminals here? Now we send them ours.

    Will Brandis hand in his diary before he leaves?

  16. That’s sad to hear about John Hurt.

    Somehow in the past few weeks I’ve had an urge to watch these TV series and films that star the great British actors. At the moment I’m watching Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy (the 1979 mini-series).

    I think after I finish I might watch I, Claudius next.

  17. Kaffeeklatscher,

    A powerful article – thank you for linking.

    We should also remember the Dunera internees – grudgingly accepted by Australia in 1940 – many of whom made great contributions to Australia in medicine, research, philosophy, the arts . . .

  18. Leone,

    Next on the agenda: debtors’ prisons, workhouses, baby farming? All for fun, and – more importantly – private profit.

  19. Well my goodness!

    It’s amazing what a little bit of scrutiny of politicians’ expenses will do.

    The AFR says Bananas is paying for her own travel for this year’s trip to the US. She’s taking ‘personal leave’. I’ll believe that when I see the expenses claims.

    The original version of this article incorrectly stated that Julie Bishop attended the Hollywood Walk of Fame “in an official capacity”. As amended, the minister is on personal leave and paid for her own travel. We apologise for the error


    Perhaps she is just paying for the taxis in LA.

  20. Premier Gladys has taken the axe to her ministry. It’s pretty obvious Nationals leader John Barilaro is pulling the strings and Gladys is doing as she is told.

    Adrian Piccoli has been removed and replaced by another National in the alleged cause of paying more attention to regional NSW. The MSM aren’t mentioning the bleeding obvious – one Nat is out and another replaces him.

    Piccoli was a strong supporter of Gonski, so many see him as a good bloke and a good minister. In this family he is considered a real bastard for his sterling work in destroying TAFE.

    Anthony Roberts, Brad Hazzard take key roles in Gladys Berejiklian reshuffle

  21. Ms Bryant admitted she “felt tender sorrow,” for the boy’s mother

    I hope Caroline Bryant Donham feels, and has felt, much more than that.

    Is it too late for a charge of (and conviction for) perjury?

    In Trumperica, almost certainly.

  22. l2

    Perhaps she is just paying for the taxis in LA.

    If she takes leave while in the US the normal arrangement would be no allowances, including accommodation, for those days.

    • In the past when Bishop has done the G’Day USA thing as part of her annual summer holiday in the US she has charged us for all her expenses. She has even listed that as an official reason for her trip. This time seems to be different. It will be interesting to see what we have paid for and what – if anything – she has paid for herself.

      Either way we really pay for it all because we pay her salary and she will use that to pay ‘her own’ expenses.

  23. In an internet random moment I came across this cartoon from NZ, when becoming part of the Federation was the go,Amazed to see in that ‘day and age’ the depiction of protecting the “natives’ being the central point.

  24. http://kevinbonham.blogspot.com.au/2017/01/unicameral-by-stealth-tony-abbotts.html a thorough explainer


  25. Sorry folks can’t find the first part of new rules, anyway here’s what I got –

    Opening monologue –

    New rules pt 2 –

    Also –

    Overtime –

    And why not chuck in a bit of Keithy boy –

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