I Am a Recovering Thinker

Today’s Guest Post comes from the remarkable, extraordinary, and very generous Archie of ӔRCHIE’S ARCHIVES. To Archie, many thanks for the laughter you have given me over the past couple of years – an essential element in laughing them out of office (as you say) and in keeping us gigglers sane.


It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then — just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone — “to relax,” I told myself — but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother’s.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t help myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dazed and confused, asking, “What is it exactly we are doing here?”

One day the boss called me in. He said, “Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, you’ll have to find another job.”

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. “Honey,” I confessed, “I’ve been thinking…”

“I know you’ve been thinking,” she said, “and I want a divorce!”

“But honey, surely it’s not that serious.”

“It is serious,” she said, lower lip aquiver. “You think as much as college professors and college professors don’t make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won’t have any money!”

“That’s a faulty syllogism,” I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

“I’m going to the library,” I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn’t open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye, “Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?” it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.

This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was Porky’s. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed . . . easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

I believe the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today I took the final step. I joined the Liberal Party.

937 thoughts on “I Am a Recovering Thinker

  1. A question – if Bananaby is so lacking in self-control that he needs a deputy leader who can be his ‘whisperer’, calm him down and make him more ‘effective’, then why the frack didn’t they make Fiona Nash leader?

    Obviously she is going to be the de facto leader, doing all the real work while the Nutter from New England frolics around, spouts unintelligible gibberish and embarrasses us all every time he appears in public.

    Gina must have given orders – if the Nats wanted more truckloads of campaign funding from her then they had to give her boy the top job.

  2. http://www.canberratimes.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/tensions-emerge-between-malcolm-turnbull-and-scott-morrison-as-pm-prepares-to-sack-stuart-robert-20160212-gmsan5.html

    http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/federal-minister-stuart-robert-to-be-axed-from-front-bench-over-china-trip-scandal/news-story/342843a9abe99e3b33beacb7de65d11b paywalled, try googling the title






    • uman Services Minister Stuart Robert has quit the frontbench, it has been reported.

      Mr Robert has been under investigation over a private trip he took to China with Liberal party donor Paul Marks, during which he met with a Chinese vice-minister.

      The Herald-Sun reported on Friday Mr Robert had written to Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull asking not to be considered in this weekend’s frontbench reshuffle.

      It said an investigation by Department of Prime Minister and Cabinet secretary Martin Parkinson had found Mr Robert’s actions in making the trip to China were “inconsistent” with ministerial standards.

      Incoming Nationals leader Barnaby Joyce on Friday said he could not see any wrongdoing.

      “What we have here is allegations he met people,” Mr Joyce said.

      “If meeting people in China is a crime then every politician in this building is gone.”

      Earlier in the week, Treasurer Scott Morrison said it was a “ridiculous beat-up”.

    • “Earlier in the week, Treasurer Scott Morrison said it was a “ridiculous beat-up”.

      Scrott has been defending Robert ever since this mess started and wanted Turnbull to keep him on. Scrott and Robert share digs in Canberra. They are both Pentecostal happy-clappers. They are said to be ‘close’.

      Add Scrott and Robert to the list of government MPs who would be more than happy to plunge a sharp knife between Turnbull’s shoulder-blades.

      Someone should do a count of just how many of the MPs who voted for Turnbull have now decided they made a big mistake. It only needs about half a dozen to change their vote and Abbott would have the numbers for a triumphant return. Or Scrott might decide his time has come and challenge.

      No wonder there’s do much talk of an early election. Turnbull needs to get himself re-elected, quickly.

      So nice of the Greens to push thinhs along by agreeing to the government’s proposed changes to the way the senate is elected. Once that legislation is safely through the senate – which it will be, thanks to de-facto Liberal Richard Di Natale ordering his troops to vote with the government – the coast is clear for a double dissolution.

  3. joe6pack

    Just don’t get any ideas about taking our Danial Andrews back with you, we rather like him here in Victoria. Hope you have a great time and we are green with envy at The Pubsters who are able to meet with you.

  4. jaycee@jaycee ‏@trulyjaycee 22s23 seconds ago

    Stuart Roberts sacked!…@abcnews demands Shorten sack a Labor Shadow Minister for “bias balance”.

    • Might be something in that, jaycee. A very good time to sweep out Marles and Fitzgibbon.

    • Talk about weasel words.

      ‘Mr Robert recognised that this connection would create the impression that at the time he went to Beijing he had something personally to gain from the Nimrod project’.


      Of course he had something to gain – a whopping huge increase in the value of his investments in Nimrod. He was there pretending to represent the Australian government so his good mate Paul Marks could close the deal and both of them would end up with more money in their bank accounts.

      “Mr Robert has asked me not to include him in the pending reshuffle ,,,,”

      How very noble of Robert. We all know he was told to hand in his resignation.

      Just how dumb does Turnbull think we are, to believe we would swallow this rubbish.

  5. l2

    AFAIK Bananaby never repaid this taxpayer wedding rort

    He’s dressed like a Cambridge graduate!

    • More like your average stock and station agent – moleskin trousers, R M Williams boots, check shirt ….. I thought that look went out years ago.

  6. Ho ho ho:

    ‘Mr Robert recognised that this connection would create the impression that at the time he went to Beijing he had something personally to gain from the Nimrod project’.

    ‘Furthermore, he reason he concluded it would make that impression was that he did in fact intend to gain personally from the Nimrod project.

    And furthermore, his decision to request me not to include him in the pending reshuffle was arrived at shortly after I informed him that I wouldn’t include him in the pending reshuffle.’

  7. All tzbj fed abn the as ;O)fz h

    Sent from my IphoneLumia640

    And it’s only taken two f’ken hours to work out how 😦

  8. Tlbd – It’s got Windows 10 on it. I thought setting it up would be easy – very silly assumption 😦

    It’s just another new thing I’ve wasted money on (an Iron as well this morning). I’m going to ask my GP if I’d survive a trip to London because, the way I’m going at the moment, I won’t be able to get into the townhouse due to the used packaging.

    • They’ve designed Windows 10 for all devices.

      We’ll have to get new computers shortly. We’ll have them with Windows 10 but using the “classic” (windows 7) interface.

      You’re not so lucky with smartphones.

  9. Spot the difference

    Malcolm Turnbull has dumped Stuart Robert from the ministry after a scandal over a “private” trip to Beijing to oversee a mining deal involving a major Liberal donor and meet a Chinese vice-minister.


    Stuart Robert is resigning from the Turnbull ministry, after an internal investigation concluded he “acted inconsistently” with ministerial standards.


  10. An act of a vengeful god?

    Richard Dawkins has stroke, forcing cancellation of Australia and New Zealand tour

  11. Ted’s Tip for the day: Apply beer liberally when setting up ‘smart’ phones. Otherwise you won’t persist.

  12. AT 2:44 The Age reported that Turnbull is taking out the trash

    Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has sacked Stuart Robert from his frontbench for breaching ministerial rules during a trip to China.

    In making the announcement on Friday, Mr Turnbull revealed Mr Robert had an indirect financial stake in the company he helped in Beijing.

    Read more: http://www.theage.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/malcolm-turnbull-sacks-stuart-robert-over-china-trip-20160212-gmsbtc.html#ixzz3zvXn3whk
    Follow us: @theage on Twitter | theageAustralia on Facebook

  13. There’s gotta be a confrontation soon in the LNP. between the moderates and the RWNJ.s..I can’t see their financial and philosophical backers copping this lot for much longer. Considering it was only 6 or 7 votes in it (and some of them grudgingly), so if Mal th’ Pal loses poll traction, and he is already, one can imagine Tony; “The Come-on-down Kid” raising his paw.
    Of course, if HE gets back in, you can forget about a “next election”.

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