I Am a Recovering Thinker

Today’s Guest Post comes from the remarkable, extraordinary, and very generous Archie of ӔRCHIE’S ARCHIVES. To Archie, many thanks for the laughter you have given me over the past couple of years – an essential element in laughing them out of office (as you say) and in keeping us gigglers sane.


It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then — just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone — “to relax,” I told myself — but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother’s.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t help myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dazed and confused, asking, “What is it exactly we are doing here?”

One day the boss called me in. He said, “Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, you’ll have to find another job.”

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. “Honey,” I confessed, “I’ve been thinking…”

“I know you’ve been thinking,” she said, “and I want a divorce!”

“But honey, surely it’s not that serious.”

“It is serious,” she said, lower lip aquiver. “You think as much as college professors and college professors don’t make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won’t have any money!”

“That’s a faulty syllogism,” I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

“I’m going to the library,” I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn’t open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye, “Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?” it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.

This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was Porky’s. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed . . . easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

I believe the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today I took the final step. I joined the Liberal Party.


937 thoughts on “I Am a Recovering Thinker

  1. Ted’s Tip for the day: Apply beer liberally when setting up ‘smart’ phones. Otherwise you won’t persist.

  2. AT 2:44 The Age reported that Turnbull is taking out the trash

    Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has sacked Stuart Robert from his frontbench for breaching ministerial rules during a trip to China.

    In making the announcement on Friday, Mr Turnbull revealed Mr Robert had an indirect financial stake in the company he helped in Beijing.

    Read more: http://www.theage.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/malcolm-turnbull-sacks-stuart-robert-over-china-trip-20160212-gmsbtc.html#ixzz3zvXn3whk
    Follow us: @theage on Twitter | theageAustralia on Facebook

  3. There’s gotta be a confrontation soon in the LNP. between the moderates and the RWNJ.s..I can’t see their financial and philosophical backers copping this lot for much longer. Considering it was only 6 or 7 votes in it (and some of them grudgingly), so if Mal th’ Pal loses poll traction, and he is already, one can imagine Tony; “The Come-on-down Kid” raising his paw.
    Of course, if HE gets back in, you can forget about a “next election”.

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