The times are still dire, so here is the second chapter of Malcolm B Duncan’s satire based on The Narnia Chronicles for your delectation.
(Image Credit: Inkcinct)
The Chronicles of Nadir
As told from the grave by Tom Lewis
Tale the First
The Scion, the Wheat and the Cabinet
The first rays of the dawning sun began to flood the eastern window of the upstairs bedroom at Kirribilli House, spreading a magnificent kaleidoscope of colour above the bed on the opposite wall and highlighting in gold the manacles which hung from the bedhead. Little Johnnie had, of course, been out for his morning walk and his presence in the room carried the stale smell of protective services officers and liniment.
Jeanette awoke with a start.
“Good morning, dear,” said little Johnnie plucking his morning press-conference teeth from the bedside glass.
“What, where … oh Johnnie, I’ve just had the strangest dream,” said Jeanette shivering slightly and pulling her bedgown close around her shoulders. (It had been a present from Sir Robert Cotton many years before but that need not bother us in this story.) “You know how it is in dreams, when you know who you’re dreaming about but it doesn’t actually look like the person you know it really is?”
“Like having conferences with the French?” asked little Johnnie.
“Yes, something like that, but in this one, everything was all covered in snow and icicles and…”
“Oh, like talking to Margaret Guilfoyle,” little Johnnie interrupted.
“Johnnie,” said Jeanette severely, “listen to me: this is serious. I dreamt I was tall, very tall and all dressed in white.”
“And so you were, dear, just like Cherie Blair the other night,” he said dreamily.
“Yes, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that, you runt. Pawing her like she had no clothes on or you were trying to strip a seal for blubber – if it happens again, I’m cutting it off.”
Little Johnnie shifted on his feet uneasily and stole a quick look at the nutcracker on the bedside table. “But Jeanette, dear, it was just that European kissing on both cheeks thing.”
“French kissing more like and I tell you, I won’t have it – I’m not going back in for another of those treatments. Anyway, listen to what I’m saying: this dream disturbs me.”
“There, there, dear,” said little Johnnie remembering he knew what was in the safety deposit box she had but he didn’t know where it was and neither ASIO, ASIS the CIA or Mossad had been able to find out or, if they had, they weren’t telling. He stole a quick glance at the DVD player on the bookshelf and wondered for the umpteenth time why Jeanette kept a copy of the House of Cards trilogy on top of it.
“What was this dream about, then?”
“Well,” she said, “As I was trying to tell you before I was so rudely reminded of certain people’s medical conditions, I was very, very tall and dressed all in white and you were beside me in a sleigh and you were a dwarf with a long beard and a red hat with a bobble on top.”
“What, like Cardinal Pell?” asked little Johnnie.
“He’s not a dwarf, you fool, he’s a man’s man. He could be the next Pope.”
“I could send Abbott to Rome,” said little Johnnie.
“Will you pay attention? The weirdest part of this dream was that Ruddock appeared in the form of a wolf – it was terribly frightening.”
“Oh,” said little Johnnie, “We’ve nothing to worry about there. He’s so desperate to stay in the Cabinet that he’d shag Downer if I told him I was going to sack him if he didn’t.”
“Johnnie, don’t be disgusting. We want him in the cabinet not coming out of the closet. We’ve got enough trouble keeping Baird in check and as for the NSW lesbians…”
“Yes dear,” said little Johnnie feeling like he needed a shower more than he ever had in his life but hadn’t decided whether it should be hot or cold. “So what was the rest of the dream?”
“Well that’s just it, I’m not sure that there was a rest of it. It was just this terrible foreboding like the beginning of a recession or the Opposition electing a leader or that Turnbull creature becoming Treasurer or something.”
“There’s no chance of that, dear,” little Johnnie was about to go on when Jeanette said, “Look, you may have nine lives but you know what that bastard does to cats. Anyway, in the dream, I felt the presence of a force and the name Alfred Deakin kept coming into my mind.”
“Never mind, dear, I’m sure it was just the gazpacho. I’ve told them about that before. Now, we have work to do and I need to freshen up. Remember it’s the lunch for the Victorian backbenchers today.”
“That nest of cretins and vipers. If you let THAT WOMAN anywhere near that spineless Greek apology for a bastard, Georgiou’s seat, I’ll have all your legs off this time.”
“Yes dear, but that’s a matter for the local branches.”
“Oh, for god’s sake Johnnie, go and put the Santa suit on again and I’ll pretend I’m married to Beazley. I will decide who holds office in this country, and when – do you understand?”
“Yes dear,” said little Johnnie just as his mobile rang. There was the faint sound of a deep and seductive woman’s voice on the other end as little Johnnie quickly said, “Yes Air-Vice Marshal, the joint Chiefs of Staff at 10. So kind of you to call personally. Much more efficient than going through the office. Yes, 10, yes, I know where it is.” As he pushed the end button he turned to Jeanette and said: “Chief of Defence, just reminding me about a meeting. Better have a shower. See you at lunch, dear.” He hurried into the bathroom but not without noticing Jeanette’s face locked in a rictus as her hand squeezed the nutcracker while her gaze was fixed on his groin.
As the sound of the shower at full tilt and an enormous cloud of steam erupted from the ensuite, Jeanette put down the nutcracker, reached for the red bedside phone and said, “Corder, once the runt has left, come and see me immediately. You needn’t dress.” She lay back on the ample pillows and watched as the rapidly growing sunlight filtered and diffracted through the steam.
Another normal day had dawned in the land of Nadir.
Suddenly, she reached for the red phone again and said: “Oh, and Corder, bring the Wheat File.”
576 thoughts on “The Scion, the Wheat and the Cabinet – Chapter II”
And from the Land of the Free –
FoxNews’s Varney on overtime. Makes your eyes bleed.
This says EVERYTHING about Fox!
Paris makes public transport free to tackle pollution.
The worm has well and truly turned with ObamaCare.
Just have a look at this slew of legislation to relax the already lax gun laws in Georgia!
“Flexibility” MacDonalds style.
Only in America! Cop shoots old guy reaching for his cane.
The Young Turks on “Guns for Jesus” in Kentucky.
A Repug Senator gets a lot more than he bargained for in this committee hearing on health care.
God!…did you hear Brandis on arts funding?….totally illogical and absurd…he’ll be crucified by the cartoonists over this!…..at the moment, I’m speechless on the fool…just stamping around the room punching the air in frustration…I’ll be going to the MiM. Adelaide…to quote a famous line…; “I’ll be the man smoking two cigarettes”.
Government by idiots –
It’s a fight for a public service job as union warns of cuts dangers
Queensland the lone star state of Australia. Campbell Newman has just signed a MOU with Rick Perry Governor of Texas so that we can become sister states. That would have been a clash of titanic minds Rick with Campbell.and they has worked out that they are like two peas in a pod. Both married nurses and both are ex military men.
One for the PB moggies. 25 years of the internet and Tim Berners-Lee reckons
Deciding whether to read Grattin before or after cartoons, haven’t read her for years, but on your recommendation today I will have a look.
If only this incident could have happened to Abbott:
“The manure sprayed across the road, covering the 26-year-old and her convertible Mercedes.”
The German car giants are doing very well:
“VW “made a healthy start to 2014,” Winterkorn said. In the first two months, about 1.5 million passenger cars and light commercial vehicles were delivered worldwide, a year-on-year increase of 4.7 percent.”
This govt’ is a thesaurus list of destructive adjectives!
“The people of Texas are just like the people of Queensland.” That’s not exactly a compliment, it’s more of an insult.
Getting a letter of welcome from George W Bush isn’t what I’d call a good thing. This sister state relationship and the involvement of Rick Perry and Bush will drag up unpleasant comparisons, especially between Bush’s Texas and Newman’s Queensland.
Remember Bush’s record when he was governor? He executed 152 people during his six year term, more than any other US state governor in recent history, and showed no inclination towards clemency.
This piece, by Sister Helen Prejean is a chilling reminder of what happened back then. (You might remember that name, Sister Helen, played by Susan Sarandon, featured in the movie Dead Man Walking.)
So, I read the article and survived. Where was she with such insight the previous three years? Had Jon Faine interviewing “dear leader” (those were his words prior to the interview) which I turned off, but back on for feedback, suprise, surprise, suprise, apparently Blood Oaf is turning into a real ‘statesman’. So what hope have we got.
From the US – comment on Victoria’s new anti-protest law.
Australian Anti-Protest Law Targets Environmental Activists With Fines And Jail
This is a curious turn of events
Fran Kelly to host Insiders as Barrie Cassidy takes long service leave
By David Knox on March 14, 2014
Respected political commentator and ABC Radio National host Fran Kelly will host Insiders for ABC TV while host Barrie Cassidy takes long service leave.
Kelly, who is a regular on the show, will take several months out from her breakfast radio show to step in as host, based in Melbourne.
Radio National is yet to announce who will consequently take on her radio role while she hosts Insiders.
Kelly begins as host from Sunday April 27th.
Who does General Hurley think he is? Does he seriously believe he can tell a senator that she must consult with him before sayng something? What is this country becoming?
Respectedpolitical commentatorLieberal shill and ABC Radio National host Fran Kelly”
Fran won’t be much worse than Barrie.
Note Ken Henry’s name
I just read the Grattan piece. So it’s taken her (& others?) this long to figure out that Abbott will do & wreck what it takes to create his & his masters’ ideal Australia. To call this perceptive, to credit her with being aware of what’s going on, is on about the same level as giving Grattan & others credit for being aware that today’s Friday. The broad thrust of Abbott’s actions was obvious years ago & was energetically ignored.
Well, looks like there might be fewer than expected in Fremantle this afternoon.
I will be at Clancy’s (mostly because I’ve mentioned it before) around 1pm should other West Australian PUBsters care to join me.
(I plan to have some fried mice off their menu, just to find out if they would be suitable for the resident felines … check under “share” http://clancysfishpub.com.au/fremantle/menu.html)
Before the election Grattan was so infatuated with Abbott that she would have believed him if he told her Friday was actually Monday. She would have written that up as if it had been a divine revelation. Now -only now – is she beginning to write about what has been going on. Are we seriously expected to believe it’s all news to her?
I think there are a lot of journalists and commentators and TV talkers who should be getting down on their knees and apologising to Australians for having grievously misled them for so long, and for deliberately doing so much to inflict the horrors of the Abbott government on the country. They knew what they were doing, they still did it. Now they are beginning to whine about the consequences of their own actions. Bastards the lot of them.
“Ms Gillard …”
wrt the Abbott announcement of the (apparently unbudgeted) $3billion purchase of Triton surveillance drones (http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-opinion/tony-abbott-delivers-large-drone-project-to-south-australia-as-polls-approach-20140313-34pl8.html):
1. They’re going to be based and operated “from an air force base on the outskirts of Adelaide”.
2. Their purpose is to “detect asylum seeker boats”.
Am I the only person wondering why you would base something at the middle of the southern edge of a continent, when it’s declared ‘target’ is on the north-west to northern borders of that continent?
(Other than obviously ‘political’ reasons, ofc.)
Please continue, you have left me hanging….
I choked …
About the Sir William Slim allegations – David Hill said he did not include that story in his book because he heard about it after he had completed his research. The allegations are not news, Hill mentioned them in 2007.
Abbott will promise anything if he thinks he can win votes. We are not supposed to ask questions about the sheer stupidity of basing drones in Adelaide, far from anywhere they are likely to be needed.
Don’t ever say you weren’t warned –
Hope you’re okay now, what with Puffy freaking out last night because of AFL starting and you choking, it is getting scary in here. 🙂
The drones over Pakistan and Afghanistan are operated by people on a base in the States. So distance is no probs.
We pubketeers are very sensitive creatures who need some sort of windbreaks to shelter us against certain drafts.
Leone..:” Before the election Grattan was so infatuated with Abbott…”
I remember at one of those Rooty Hill debates, where the camera did a sweep of the journos’ there while Julia Gillard was on stage being Heckled by the “paid mob”, and there was Grattan AND Uhlmann giggling and smirking…never forget it……NEVER forgive them!
There is some consolation: Julia is now laughing at all those idiots.
They voted for a former boxer, now they’re going to vote for another boxer in Tassie …
I think we should all get our boxing gloves out.
Irrespective of your opinion of Peter Slipper, his life life has been destroyed by Abbott and his slime bag mates.
The drones in Pakistan and Afghanistan may be controlled by a base in the US but the drones themselves do not fly all the way from the US, across an ocean to their target and then back home when they have completed their mission. The drones are kept closer to where they are needed. Not all of them are controlled from the US anyway.
An example –
The RAF used drones based in Kandahar. They were controlled from the US by RAF pilots, but the takeoffs and landings were handled in Kandahar to avoid the few seconds’ communication delay from the US.
If some of our future drones are going to be patrolling the Timor Sea (some cruel persons might say we already have lots of drones doing that work) then they need to be based in Darwin or the north-west.
Telstra may be next on lifting foreign ownership restrictions: Turnbull
Cowan has been sentenced for life with 20 years non parole. I doubt he will get parole though, hopefully.
At least his own child is safe.
Queensland Labor has preselected most of its candidates for the state election. Hopefully they’ll all get up.
Complete with a list at the bottom.
As a “drone pilot” of recent ilk. I can attest that landing these things with only an FPV (First Person Video) view is scary. You’re always worried about hitting a tree that didn’t seem as big from 400 feet as it was when you banged into it.
Though my “drone” is smaller than an air force drone (it has a maximum take-off weight of only about 4 kilos, including payload), and can’t do too much damage, except to itself, when I crash it on landing (an increasingly rare occurrence lately, thank God), there’s something about being next to the thing when it lands – a sort of “hands-on” feeling – that will never match a wobbly view on a video screen.
Video feedback is good for the approach, but it’s always nice to be right on the spot at the time of touch-down.
Drones are safer from a reasonable height as in this image from one of my flying escapades last Saturday in Sydney…
(p.s. Fridays are not all bad when Jane does the lunchtime ABC News.)
Loon Pond on Bolt, Brandis, and the admirable Mr Ackland:
Re: Daniel Morcambe.
Time to change the law so that it reflects reality. This Cowan scum had already been jailed for molesting two other little boys, but was let out after serving minimal sentences on both occasions.
The way the law stands now, past convictions cannot be entered into the current trial. My question is .. WHY NOT?
He should have been jailed for life after the first attack. As he wasn’t, at the trial after the second attack the fact that he had already served a prison sentence for the same type of offence previously should have been allowed to be entered as evidence of the type of scum he is and Cowan locked away for good.
Personally, I think this is one crime for which the death penalty should be mandatory. If this had happened Daniel would be alive today.
Comments are closed.